5. Gaseous state

Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common side effects include altered mental status associated with monetary obsession, frequent use of the phrase “devil’s advocate,” and a visceral reaction to images of Senator Bernie Sanders.

Bezos summoned another worker to kiss his booboo better, and after the worker soothed his ankle with sana sana culita de rana, Bezos was ready to continue the next few steps to leave his throne.

Cornell – To no one’s surprise, Cornell’s place in the tree-fuck club is a little bit . . . artificial. You know those pine-shaped air fresheners? Yeah . .

The singer wrote, “I’m in the studio working on something special after today’s assault on democracy.” As this terrorist schemes up “something special,” D.C. residents are preparing for the worst.

Keep driving your gas-guzzling Lexuses and running the AC with the windows open, because if we keep up the good work, we can expect a big blue wave to flood coastlines across the country by 2065.

Curling fans from St. John’s to Nanaimo are bracing for what might be the most disastrous curling season since Broomgate. This time it’s not IcePad that threatens the roaring game, but rather the global pandemic known as COVID-19. With the coronavirus raging across the globe, the likelihood of a complete season—or even a local bonspiel—seems increasingly unlikely. The Federalist is monitoring the curling season and is here to give you the details, hog line to hog line.

Although Trump ignored RBG’s dying wish of being replaced after the election, she can rest easy knowing her replacement is not only from the “very disgraceful, liberal institution” where she went to law school, but he’s the president.

“They wanted me to use a green screen. Everyone knows I’m afraid of all the colors of the rainbow,” Vice President Pence explained.

After pressure from the Left, DeJoy finally conceded: “Okay, you snail-mail-sucker neo-libs got me, I’ll make some changes.”

Ivy+ has acquired the rights to produce a mini-series called Finals vs. Eating Clubs, a film about Alexander Hamilton that Lin-Manuel Miranda has stressed he has no affiliation with, and a documentary series focusing on the difficulties of attending Harvard called I Go to School in Cambridge.

As Presidential hopeful Joe Biden begins to think about—and promptly forget—who should be his 2020 ticket buddy, the news world is racing to predict who the lucky lady could be.

“The higher your temperature, the more massive your disco stick.”

“Big city politicians may look down on a small town mayor, but every time I sneak into one of my resident’s kitchens in the middle of the night to grab a few crumbs off the floor, I know that it’s worth it.”

My body is being torn apart; not by hormones, but by the trauma of Andrew Yang leaving the presidential race. I’ll never get my $1000 now.

No matter who wins, we called it.

The department will focus on attempting to heal people through “the power of love”, a technique originally pioneered by Ms. Willamson while tripping on LSD in Ram Dass’s Jacuzzi.

As of press time, the prince’s representative has clarified that going forward, His Royal Highness will “give explicit directions regarding if and how he wants any dissidents liquidized.”

“If this is what it takes to mend the racial scars of American society, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” said Greenwood.

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”

He’s also eyeing a presidential run.

Uhhhh, superdelegates?

“At current rates, we can expect it to reach the other side of the street no later than May 2018.”

“JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!”

You wear Goodwill; I wear Canada Goose.

“She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I’d ever seen.”

“What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?”

“Jesus, no I don’t have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can’t you see I’m busy here?”

“Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now.” 

“Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly.”