Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Was Born Via Immaculate Conception
Volume XLII • Issue 3 • December 2024
From the Issue:
Fed Reincorporates Into Pennsylvania, Aims to Commit Late-Term Voter Fraud
Last week, The Fed announced that they would be re-registering as a corporation within the…
I Wear Columbia Merch so That Everyone at Columbia Knows I Go to Columbia
I just love wearing Columbia merch. The moment that Champion-branded fabric touches my skin? Immediate…
Startling New Study Finds Dining Hall Eggs Contain Trace Amounts of Egg
Do you know what’s in your breakfast? A concerning new study has revealed that the…
Columbia Introduces Campus-Wide Ziplines
Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced in…
Grandma Got Run Over by Chef Mike
Grandma got run over by Chef Mike Walking home from Uris Christmas Eve You can…
Lerner Ramps Transformed into Giant Winter Wonderland Toboggan Slide
Every student to pass through these hallowed halls must come to the same realization: not…
Dear Jack Frost: Please Stop Nipping at My Nose, It’s Getting a Little Weird
After a long, warm autumn season, I was finally feeling ready for the winter cold…
Modern Day Eugene Debs: Your roommate is running for Fall 2024 Student Council and is also on Academic Probation
As of 1:47 AM, The Federalist can officially confirm that your roommate has officially thrown…
Respond to These Texts and We’ll Assign You a Dining Hall Food to Fit Your Personality
“Hi! I hope school is going well. Do you think you’d be able to drop…
Thank You iMessage: A Note to That Girl Texting in Front of Me
To the girl who sits in front of me in my Intro to Art History…
Tree Lighting Rescheduled for—Oh, There It Goes
Columbia’s annual tree lighting is a cherished tradition to students and faculty alike. This year,…
Barnard to Drop New Merch Ahead of Inauguration
Barnard College of Columbia University announced that in honor of the upcoming inauguration of president-elect…
Opinion: Freshmen Don’t Get Humiliated vy Slipping on Ice, Falling on Their Ass on Low Steps Like They Used to
Call me a crotchety old geezer if you like, but this newest generation is too…
White House Stocks Up on Coloring Books and Crayons to Prepare for Trump’s Second Term
While White House staff has been dreading the return of President-elect Donald Trump, they acknowledge…
What To Do the Night Before Your First Final but Your Zodiac Is Saying “You Can’t Force Yourself To Create When You’re Burnt Out”
Get in the longest line on campus and redeem your swipes at JJs. Allow yourself…
Columbia Football Team’s Poor Performance Causes Roar-ee The Lion to Retire Early to Palm Beach
As a result of the Columbia Lions’ recent epic losses, Roar–ee stated in a recent…
Fed’s Guide to using dating apps over winter break
The sensible answer to whether you should or should not use a dating app in…
How to Survive Your First Time at a Midwestern Thanksgiving (as a Coastal Elite)
Cuffing season worked, and now you have a girlfriend for the holidays. It would be…
Woman in STEM becomes STEM in Woman: Columbia Bookstore Announces Vibrator Line
Ever been polishing your pearl and thought, You know what would make this better? A…
Koronet’s Komforter: My Dorm Hasn’t Turned the Heat On So I’m Using a Jumbo Cheese Slice to Stay Warm
Come one! Come all! Hear ye this tale of woe, and depart with a new…
Little France Now Requires Valid Passport to Enter
In a recent announcement via their diplomatic envoy, “Little France” (the tiny run-off nation located…
Report: Post-Election Vibes Probably Way Better Back Home
Since Donald Trump’s victory in the November 5th presidential election, Columbia’s campus has been shrouded…
Butler Cough, a Haiku
The silent workers tremble A thunderous burst of sound I coughed in Butler
I’m a Barnard Senior Entering my Final College Course Registration, Here’s What I Picked:
ANTH BC3116 – Digital Alterity: The Oral History and Iconography of the Oomf EESC BC3027…
Fedstigation: Are the Books in the Reading Rooms Real?
An investigation by your loyal Federalists has revealed a harrowing truth: the beloved books lining…
Eric Adams Unsure Whether to Include Turkish Language Proficiency on GS Application
Fearing an imminent change in employment, Mayor Eric Adams was recently seen editing his application…
The Goose Not Worn
Inspired by and directly stolen from Robert Frost Two Canada Gooses diverged in a dorm…
Armstrong Look-Alike Competition Winner Decided
In response to the recent Timothée Chalamet look-alike contest in New York in October, a…
My Application To Be Trump’s Secretary of The Interior
In my first semester at Columbia University, one aspect of college life that struck me…
Op-Ed: My Parents Are Too Supportive
One thing about my parents, my lovely, caring, generous parents, is that they’ve put a…
Students Clamor for Summer Internship at Hooda Halal
Forget Jane Street—the most in-demand summer internship this year is at the food truck at…
A 10-song Post-Election Playlist for Kamala Harris
Dear Madame Vice President, Heyyyy girly! We know you’ve been having A Week. Shots on…
Help! My GS Classmate is so Old they Remember the Cambrian Era
As the only undergraduate freshman in my Chinese class, it’s not unusual to feel young….
Mayor Eric Adams claims he could’ve beaten Donald Trump: “It takes a criminal to beat a criminal.”
In the wake of Donald Trump’s landslide victory in the 2024 presidential election, many of…
O Great John Jay Pasta Bar: A Love Poem
O great John Jay pasta bar Your fixins’ make me weep, Creamy cheese sauce Marinara…
12 Days of Winter Break
On the twelfth day of winter break, my family gave me Twelve relatives questioning my…
The Fed’s Advice Corner: Ask a Child Prodigy!
Our readers wrote in to ask questions of The Fed’s resident boy supergenius: Caleb Brooks,…
Professor Indoctrinating Students Clearly Doesn’t Have Their Heart in It
One of the most important roles of a Columbia professor is to misrepresent facts to…
Mary and Joseph Attempt 2nd Semester Registration
In the days of Katrina Armstrong, Interim President of Columbia, an angel of the Lord…
