
Columbia’s Only Newspaper that Practices Nonhierarchical Ethical Non-Monogamy
Volume XLII • Issue 4 • February 2025
From the Issue:
Undercover Boss? Dean Sorett Spotted in Beanie and Sunglasses
Hot off the presses—Columbia’s resident bald baddie Dean Josef Sorett was spotted on College Walk yesterday in a…
Women’s Health Win! Barnard to Offer FREE Bagels and Pap Schmears
In honor of Valentine’s Day, Barnard’s Health and Wellness team is proud to present free bagels and pap…
r/AmItheAsshole: AITA for Breaking Up with My Girlfriend After She Posted Our Fight on SideChat
I (21M) was posted on C/Dating and Relationships on SideChat by my girlfriend (20F) and now I’m getting…
Heartwarming: Barnard Receives Donation of 50 Cents and Half-Eaten Hot Dog
With the announcement that Barnard will be $252 million in projected debt for its construction project, the college…
Best Cuck Chairs on Campus for Couples Looking to Try Something New This Valentine’s Day
Milstein Green Chairs. The Fed specifically recommends the chairs on the 2nd floor overlooking Futter Field for their…
Laura Rosenbury on Retaking Ballet I This Semester: “Oh, Let’s Make Fun of the Girl Who Took a Risk and Put Herself Out There Creatively”
After taking Ballet I at Barnard last semester, President Rosenbury has reportedly been seen auditing the intro class…
QOTD: Am I being slut shamed or do you actually care if I’m cold?
Sure, it’s like 25 degrees out, and sure, I’m wearing a micro skirt—-have you ever heard of fashion?…
Barnard Girl at Heart: Hillary Requests More Secret Service Agents Who Look Like Timothée Chalamet
Were you too young to experience the 2015 Hillary Clinton email scandal? Good news! WikiLeaks has outdone itself,…
Fed Love Advice: Tips from a Man Who’s Ruined Every Valentine’s Day
He did it so you won’t think to! Fed staff found a man who has become single by…
Barnard to Send Non-Emergency Response Messages Via Carrier Pigeon
In response to student feedback, Senior Associate Director of Fire and Life Safety Ashley Vargas reported on Friday…
Columbia University Center for Canoodling Finds Best Way to Approach Women Remains Asking if They’re a Mosquito
In a stunning report that sent rigid shockwaves through both the Barnard and Columbia campuses, the Columbia University…
Student at Chef Mike’s Reportedly Extremely Anxious to Order Same Sandwich for the Thousandth Time
According to multiple reports from our dedicated Federalist correspondents in Uris Hall, SEAS student Anne T. Seaushill has…
Self Care Win: This Student Dropped Out
Life as a Columbia student can be kinda stressful. High workloads, high academic standards, and high expectations can…
PCHS To Offer Free Separation Surgeries for Conjoined Couples
This Valentine’s Day, ask your lover for the most romantic gift of all: a little space, for Christ’s…
“Five Stars for Five-Head”: Lily-Rose Depp’s Groundbreaking Forehead Representation
Lily Rose-Depp’s starring role in Robert Egger’s remake of the classic film Nosferatu has been critically acclaimed, but…
So Fucking Hot: Roar-ee Gets a Perm
If you’ve been on campus since the semester began, you know there’s one thing that everybody has been…
Kylie Jenner’s Kids Can No Longer Fall Asleep Without A Harmonica Lullaby by Timothée Chalamet
With Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner’s unsuspecting relationship going on two years next month, Chalamet has become a…
The LitHum Syllabus Explained in BookTok Tropes
Completely lost in LitHum? Fret not with this handy-dandy guide to your favorite Lit Hum books with terms…
Columbia Purchases Greenland
Interim President Armstrong revealed in a press release this morning that Columbia University has acquired the territory of…
Mikey Madison To Teach Russian For Heritage Speakers I & II
After the broad success and acclaim of Anora (despite my mid Letterboxd review lolz follow me @moistweave), Columbia’s…
We Let Jeff Bezos Buy The Federalist
We don’t care. We took the money. He has a hot girlfriend and journalistic ethics have never been…
RFK Jr. To Ban Shaving Above the Knee
Washington, D.C.—In a surprise broadcast last night, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to head the Department…
“All Ham Dilly La!” Says CU Republican Trying Yemeni Latte at Qahwah House
Upon reading President Armstrong’s recent email calling for “genuine dialogue between people from all backgrounds,” Carnegie Winthrop (CC…
Dear Freshmen: That A- WILL Ruin Your Life
Last year, when I got my spring semester grades back, I received an A- in Calculus. “Well, an…
Seasonal Depression Lands Full-Time Job as Regular Depression
A major career move is making headlines in the mental illness industry—according to a press release posted on…
Student Excited to Announce That They Are #OpenToDate
Hi everyone! I wanted to share an important update with my network regarding my personal life. I am…
Horrifying: Student Found Living in Columbia Housing
Tragic news came from Morningside Heights this week, where a group of students found their peer, Jonah Riviera,…
Missed Connections: That One Statue Next to Futter Field
Saw you as I was power-walking to Diana before class to get a burrito bowl. Couldn’t take my…
GOP Deems Valentine’s Candy a Threat to Pro-Life Movement: Introduces Bill Requiring Women to Take “Rear and Deliver Oath” to Purchase
WASHINGTON — On Capitol Hill this week, House Republicans took a pause from sorting out the many problems…
Dear Fed: I Wrote You an Acrostic Valentine’s Poem to Show You That I Really Care <3
From: A Loyal Reader By Oliver Green Fantastic! Enchanting! Delightful! Erm, ok I thought the deal was I’d…
Majestic, Moist, (Malicious) Mystery Meat
I walked into Ferris looking for a delectable treat, but nothing caught my eye save for some mystery…
President Trump Unveils the Committee On Containing Knowledge
Last week President Trump announced the erection of a new body: the Committee On Containing Knowledge (C.O.C.K.), tasked…
QUIZ: Does She Love You, or Is She Just Using You for 8 Ball?
When you two are spending time together, you are most often… Watching a movie Sharing a meal Making…
Top 6 Romantic Campus Spots to Take Your Valentine
By Cupid 1. CPS: Counseling and Psychological Services to some, Couple’s Preferred Spot to others. Between the cellists and…
Poli Sci Student Discovers Passion for Devil’s Advocacy
One of the most important tasks that college students face is discerning what exactly they are passionate about….
Melania Trump or Black Browed Albatross?
“Pressed” Up: A Fed x Spec Fanfiction
Tags: #fedxspec #fedtator #columbiafederalist #columbiadailyspectator #enemiestolovers #slowburn #collegeau #columbiauniversity #newyorkcity #journalism “Spec!” A familiar voice belonging to Bwog…
Barnard Store to Collaborate with Temu Amid Barnard Deficit Crisis
Instead of changing the policies, attitudes, and language that have been largely responsible for Barnard’s lack of incoming…
A SONNET FOR A PLASTIC ROD
Oh Nexplanon, thou slender, silent lance,guard my—well, technically no longer mine,depending on the state’s judicial stancebroadcast on an…