To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia, If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I,…
When I first walked into 569 Lerner, I was immediately struck by two things: one, I was the only other guy in the room full of girls. Strange, but no problem. Maybe…
Happy first year of college you little queers! It’s so cute that you decided to come to a historically women’s college because you love theorizing gender and also want to escape your…
In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
Moo Deng Falls Asleep During All-Nighter in Butler, Blows Snot Bubble Moo Deng Waits for 12oz Chai Latte in Liz’s Place Moo Deng and Her Mother Take Typical Family Photo With Alma…
Dear members of the Columbia community: I am writing to you to share with you how we are thinking about recent events regarding public access and heightened security presence on campus. The…
MANHATTAN, NEW YORK – Earlier this month, the New York Post reported that Barron Trump, son of Donald and Melania Trump, was beginning his first year at New York University’s Stern School…
Oh how I wish I could go back to the day when I clicked that little “Upload Photo” box on SSOL. It seemed so innocent, just begging me to have some fun…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
As the school year kicks off, I must issue a warning to everyone attending Barnard/Columbia!! Whether you’re entering college or considering dabbling in a new dating pool, I have an urgent PSA:…
Have you ever exited Hewitt–brownie, pizza, and soft serve in hand–and been stared down by a brown-haired, turtlenecked headshot of the elusive “Barnard Dietitian?” Perhaps you also pondered questions like: should I…
