"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”…

"The problem at hand is obviously upbringing, as Manny seems to be totally unaware of the established rules governing my society."…

"The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested."…

"I usually make a point of not opening emails from students. Any response within a month or so just makes them feel entitled, and besides, direct student-faculty conduct is a lawsuit waiting…

I could’ve sworn I heard my RA saying something about stopping by Duane Reade to ‘pick up a few things.’ Who knows what that could mean?”…

"For now, Gilmore can only wonder and wait, alert for that fateful moment when, four years hence, his sex life will coincidentally blossom following a job offer at Facebook."…

"At press time, students across campus remained too scared of Gunderson to tell him to speed the fuck up."…

"With asexuality, you're essentially calling yourself your own boss. Good for freelancers and executives, though less effective for those looking to get in at the ground level of a major corporation, where…

“What the hell am I supposed to tell people…‘I'm from the Northeast'? Like I’m just gonna lump Rhode Island in there too? Jesus Christ.”…

"As of press time, a full four minutes after class was supposed to end, Timmons was seen transitioning into an involved monologue about the finer points of Thucydides’ sexuality."…

"At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which seemed to be in working condition; but real Hell broke loose when we realized the doors…