President Bollinger wrote, “The extraordinary efforts of our white students, faculty, and staff have made our relentless endeavor towards gentrification a reality. Though the COVID-19 pandemic tests our willpower, we are determined…
“They wanted me to use a green screen. Everyone knows I’m afraid of all the colors of the rainbow,” Vice President Pence explained.…
After pressure from the Left, DeJoy finally conceded: “Okay, you snail-mail-sucker neo-libs got me, I’ll make some changes.”…
6. Peter Rabbit: 0/10 - Minus 9.5 points because he’s voiced by James Corden. Minus another 0.5 points because his movie mocks children with allergies… #CancelPeterRabbit let’s get it trending!!!!…
Ivy+ has acquired the rights to produce a mini-series called Finals vs. Eating Clubs, a film about Alexander Hamilton that Lin-Manuel Miranda has stressed he has no affiliation with, and a documentary…
Following President Lee Bolligner’s announcement that the Fall semester will be fully online, Columbia Dining has unveiled a brand new, virtual dining plan to keep milking accommodate students who will not return…
Even though we’re in the midst of a pandemic, there’s still so much pressure to meet someone you like, build a symbiotic relationship, and produce 100 zygotes by the age of 27.…
“Next season is looking very promising for us,” Declares Columbia Football Coach after every other School Cancels Season…
SSOL Crashing: Once every pandemic, Columbia decides to open the gates of the virtual gladiatorial colosseum that is the SSOL registration page, allowing students to fight over precious Zoom spots in Sunil…
Make friends and have sex…
While the exact details are yet to be finalised, it is rumored that the class will be taught by Barack Obama—our famous alum who, as an international from Kenya, quit smoking nearly…
“Screw it, turn it in whenever you want! It’s not like thousands of students are hanging onto your every word or anything,” the email read.…
