It was 6:30 p.m. The air was hot, damp, and buzzing with mosquitoes. I had just clocked out of my summer job as a cart girl at a neighborhood golf course. My…
A new craze is sweeping America’s campuses, concerning both parents and upperclassmen alike: apparently these freshmen never learned how to fucking walk. The phenomenon has been something of a spectacle on Columbia’s…
Justice Gorsuch. Neil. Nelly. Dad. There is no easy way for me to put this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it. You have a son. It wasn’t…
The Royal Guard requirements will be strict: each recruit must be under 5’6 in recognition of Columbia’s shortest presidential run. Long live the Baroness! …
In an effort to distance herself from the unpopularly harsh actions taken by the previous president, Interim President Katrina Armstrong has formally offered to score booze for underclassmen if they don’t have…
A scandal rocked the ninth floor of Wallach Hall this week, as a group of 5 first year students got caught sneaking into the dorm showers to compare their ACT scores. “Their…
Look out, Columbia! We have a certified LGBTQ ally in our midst. Local straight man N. Tewgerls went straight up to the Queer Alliance club fair table, and, noticing they had pens…
On Saturday afternoon, the Dean of Columbia College, Dr. Josef Sorret, was spotted walking his Chihuahua and bumming a cigarette in Riverside Park–wearing jorts! Students also reported Sorret has a previously undisclosed…
Something Boring, Something Boxy and Blue Thou still unravish’d sculpture of eye soreness, Thou Barnumbia-child of grave and wasted dime, Art historian, who canst thus express An artist statement more…
Well. As of the writing of this article, it has been two weeks since I moved onto campus, kicking off my freshman year of college and the next four years of my…
Well, that was fast. Columbia’s interim president, Katrina Armstrong, has resigned after barely more than a month on the job. An independent review of communications to the student body from Columbia administrators…
Citing the campus-famous maxim “Barnard to bed, Columbia to wed,” Katrina Armstrong is commencing her interim presidency by announcing a five-year strategic plan aimed at lowering the rate of Barnard boyfriends. “These…
