Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Was Born Via Immaculate Conception
Volume XLII • Issue 3 • December 2024
From the Issue:
Modern Day Eugene Debs: Your roommate is running for Fall 2024 Student Council and is also on Academic Probation
As of 1:47 AM, The Federalist can officially confirm that your roommate has officially thrown…
Professor Indoctrinating Students Clearly Doesn’t Have Their Heart in It
One of the most important roles of a Columbia professor is to misrepresent facts to…
Columbia Introduces Campus-Wide Ziplines
Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced In…
Dear Jack Frost: Please Stop Nipping at My Nose, It’s Getting a Little Weird
After a long, warm autumn season, I was finally feeling ready for the winter cold…
A 10-song Post-Election Playlist for Kamala Harris
Dear Madame Vice President, Heyyyy girly! We know you’ve been having A Week. Shots on…
Woman in STEM becomes STEM in Woman: Columbia Bookstore Announces Vibrator Line
Ever been polishing your pearl and thought, You know what would make this better? A…
12 Days of Winter Break
On the twelfth day of winter break, my family gave me Twelve relatives questioning my…
What To Do the Night Before Your First Final but Your Zodiac Is Saying “You Can’t Force Yourself To Create When You’re Burnt Out”
Get in the longest line on campus and redeem your swipes at JJs. Allow yourself…
Secretary of Commerce to be Determined by Who Attends Barron Trump’s Birthday
New reports confirm that Barron Trump, in an attempt to juice up the attendance for…
Fed’s Guide to using dating apps over winter break
The sensible answer to whether you should or should not use a dating app in…
Grandma Got Run Over by Chef Mike
Grandma got run over by Chef Mike Walking home from Uris Christmas Eve You can…
Fedstigation: Are the Books in the Reading Rooms Real?
An investigation by your loyal Federalists has revealed a harrowing truth: the beloved books lining…
Students Clamor for Summer Internship at Hooda Halal
Forget Jane Street—the most in-demand summer internship this year is at the food truck at…
How to Survive Your First Time at a Midwestern Thanksgiving (as a Coastal Elite)
Cuffing season worked, and now you have a girlfriend for the holidays. It would be…
Eric Adams Unsure Whether to Include Turkish Language Proficiency on GS Application
Fearing an imminent change in employment, Mayor Eric Adams was recently seen editing his application…
Rainforest Cafe Rebrands as Drought and Deforestation Cafe in Response to Election Results
Ahead of President-re-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, businesses are making big changes to their environmental messaging,…
Columbia Football Team’s Poor Performance Causes Roar-ee The Lion to Retire Early to Palm Beach
As a result of the Columbia Lions’ recent epic losses, Roar–ee stated in a recent…
Mayor Eric Adams claims he could’ve beaten Donald Trump: “It takes a criminal to beat a criminal.”
In the wake of Donald Trump’s landslide victory in the 2024 presidential election, many of…
Startling New Study Finds Dining Hall Eggs Contain Trace Amounts of Egg
Do you know what’s in your breakfast? A concerning new study has revealed that the…
I’m a Barnard Senior Entering my Final College Course Registration, Here’s What I Picked:
ANTH BC3116 – Digital Alterity: The Oral History and Iconography of the Oomf EESC BC3027…
Columbia Dining Really Hoping Food Inspection Grade is Curved
Following a recent NYC Health food inspection of Ferris Booth Commons, the directorship of Columbia…
My Application To Be Trump’s Secretary of The Interior
In my first semester at Columbia University, one aspect of college life that struck me…
The Goose Not Worn
Inspired by and directly stolen from Robert Frost Two Canada Gooses diverged in a dorm…
OP-ED: Now that Jaywalking is Legal in New York City, I Don’t Want to Do it Anymore
Today, New York City officially made one of its most ancient and sacred practices legal….
Mary and Joseph Attempt 2nd Semester Registration
In the days of Katrina Armstrong, Interim President of Columbia, an angel of the Lord…
The Fed’s Advice Corner: Ask a Child Prodigy!
Our readers wrote in to ask questions of The Fed’s resident boy supergenius: Caleb Brooks,…
White House Stocks Up on Coloring Books and Crayons to Prepare for Trump’s Second Term
While White House staff has been dreading the return of President-elect Donald Trump, they acknowledge…
O Great John Jay Pasta Bar: A Love Poem
O great John Jay pasta bar Your fixins’ make me weep, Creamy cheese sauce Marinara…
Koronet’s Komforter: My Dorm Hasn’t Turned the Heat On So I’m Using a Jumbo Cheese Slice to Stay Warm
Come one! Come all! Hear ye this tale of woe, and depart with a new…
Help! My GS Classmate is so Old they Remember the Cambrian Era
As the only undergraduate freshman in my Chinese class, it’s not unusual to feel young….
Thank You iMessage: A Note to That Girl Texting in Front of Me
To the girl who sits in front of me in my Intro to Art History…
THEY WILL COME BACK TO YOU. THEY ARE WAITING TO TEXT YOU.
Kiss right here ________ and hold on to this issue of The Fed to AFFIRM…
I Wear Columbia Merch so That Everyone at Columbia Knows I Go to Columbia
I just love wearing Columbia merch. The moment that Champion-branded fabric touches my skin? Immediate…
Fed Reincorporates Into Pennsylvania, Aims to Commit Late-Term Voter Fraud
Last week, The Fed announced that they would be re-registering as a corporation within the…
Lerner Ramps Transformed into Giant Winter Wonderland Toboggan Slide
Every student to pass through these hallowed halls must come to the same realization: not…
BARNARD TO DROP NEW MERCH AHEAD OF INAUGURATION
Barnard College of Columbia University announced that in honor of the upcoming inauguration of president-elect…
Op-Ed: My Parents Are Too Supportive
One thing about my parents, my lovely, caring, generous parents, is that they’ve put a…
Armstrong Look-Alike Competition Winner Decided
In response to the recent Timothée Chalamet look-alike contest in New York in October, a…
Report: Post-Election Vibes Probably Way Better Back Home
Since Donald Trump’s victory in the November 5th presidential election, Columbia’s campus has been shrouded…