Columbia’s Only Newspaper Whose Mom Made Them Wear A Jacket Over Their Costume
Volume XLII • Issue 2 • October 2024
From the Issue:
Columbia Makes Butler Stacks Open 24/7 to Increase Legacy Student Production
Columbia University Facilities announced this morning that the Butler Library stacks will be open 24…
Top Five Places on Campus to Hack Up a Lung this Flu Season!
Flu season is almost upon us and it’s coming up just as we’re leaving mysterious-illness-that-we-all-pretended-was-not-covid…
BREAKING: Barnard roaches found with listening devices amidst free speech crackdown
An increasing number of Bold, Beautiful, Bugs have been crawling on Barnard’s campus and residential…
10 Best Ways to Use a Study Room
Study rooms are essential to a college student’s academic life. How else can I get…
Fed’s Guide to Hottest Halloween Costumes
It’s that time of year again… your Butler crush has seen you in full cruddy…
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS: No One Can Stop You From Farting in Butler
PSA TO CURRENT COLUMBIA STUDENTS: As tensions on campus heighten and the administration furthers their…
Chaparral Biome: “I Would Very Much Like to Be Excluded From This Narrative”
Shrubland speaks out! In an exclusive interview with The Federalist, Chaparral Biome – known for…
HELP: I’m Being Haunted By The Ghost Of Gorsuch
Neil Gorsuch is distinctly not dead. However, his legacy of The Fed takes up enough…
I Got My Foot Tickled During the Jiu-Jitsu Free Trial Period
With Halloween right around the corner, it is only appropriate that I share a spooky…
Dear Fed: I am SO Not Locked In
Dear Fed, Here we are, week number whatever of the semester, and I have a…
Fun Activities to do with Hair in the Shared Showers
Explore new textures! The hair clumps clogging the drain provide an excellent shower sensory experience….
Report: You Don’t Want to Drop Out of Columbia, You’re Just Dehydrated
Midterm season is upon us, and the ennui hangs thicker in the air than the…
“These Protests Are Ruining My Classic College Experience,” Says Student at Protest University™
In a brave and controversial stand, one courageous student has spoken out against the devastating…
Sexy Family Costume Ideas for This HallowParentsWeekend
Wondering how you’re going to balance your time this October 25-26th between Halloweekend and Parents…
Op-ed: Increase Number of Tours So I Can Keep Feeling Superior At Them
There’s nothing quite like the rush of walking past a group of hopeful students and…
President Biden To Become A SoulCycle Instructor Upon Retirement From Public Service
In his last press conference as the sitting President of the United States, President Biden…
Barnard to Perform ‘Controlled Burn’ to Reduce Fires in Dormitories
Barnard administration has recently unveiled a new program aiming to reduce the quantity and severity…
Inspiring: Interview With Last Student Still Insisting on Voting for RFK
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s presidential campaign may have officially ended, with the candidate even endorsing…
Pest Control Took my Roomate Away
The world is a wretched and godforsaken place that will take away anything you hold…
Harris Campaign Accidentally Hired Social Media Manager Who Just Awoke from 2013 Coma
Presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ social media campaign seems to have taken a different direction recently,…
REVEALED: BUTLER 8 HAUNTING NOT A GHOST, JUST A POSTGRAD
That shadowy oubliette you see skulking the hallways of Butler 8? The one you see…
Spooky! Your Professor Just Said Something About a “Discussion Section?”
As Halloween approaches, you’re finally able to shift out of midterm mode and anticipate a…
J.D. Vance Gives Exclusive Interview on Abortion: “gbkdfhgiruegfkwh”
Columbia Federalist reporters were lucky to catch Ohio-native, congressman, and vice-president-hopeful J.D. Vance on his …
Columbia Men Attempting Entry Into Hewitt Dining Hall Asked To Name A Women: Here’s what they said
Due to limited seating in the Barnard dining hall, Hewitt, as well as an overwhelming…
Columbia Reveals New Nonchalant Mascot
In preparation for Homecoming, Columbia University’s Board of Trustees have announced their plans to retire…
Students Attempt Ritual To Summon Sam Altman, Get Elon Musk Instead
Midterms season is a time of stress. In response, students try to find many ways…
I Lived It: Rejected By Every Acapella Group, And Now They Are Haunting Me.
You would think it wouldn’t matter anymore…it’s been a month! That no one remembers you,…
Chappell Roan Dropped Out of Lesbopalooza so I Dropped Out of Barnard
What can I say? She’s your favorite mentally-ill bitch’s favorite mentally-ill bitch, and I can’t…
Schermerhorn Extension: A Breakthrough In Relativistic Studies
Last Monday, Physics Professor Brian Greene declared the Schermerhorn Extension a new scientific breakthrough for…
Devastating: Freshman Rejected From Student Group Via ChatGPT
As thousands of wide-eyed freshmen join our Columbia community each fall, many undergo the rigorous…
Sidechat User Is Added To The DSM-5
In a stunning recent report, the American Psychiatric Association announced that the diagnosis of “Sidechat…
BREAKING: Exclusive Poll Reveals 99% of Undecided Mail-In Voters Just Can’t Seem to Find a Pen Anywhere
According to newly released data from the Pew Research Center, 99% of undecided voters who…
New York’s Hottest Club is: getting a Thanksgiving invite from your parents
Club promoter “Parents Weekend” is back, with an all-new atmosphere for cultivating familial longing. It’s…
I Lived It: Walking Past the John Jay Fan With a Salad
Salad in hand Walked by the fan Wind in my hair Then came a scare…
Students Beware! The Spirits of the Bottle Graveyard will Haunt You.
As Hallow’s Eve crawls closer, the bottles on your windowsill might unearth some nightmares. The…
HalloWEAKend OUT, HallowSTRONGend IN: The Fed’s Guide to Bulking Up This October 31st
Hey you! Sick of being just another one of those lanky dweebs who blends into…
Type of Candy Each Columbia School Gives Out
Barnard: Organic Sour Giggles. No artificial dyes or flavors, non-GMO, gluten-free, vegan, and allergy-friendly. They…
PrezStrong Reportedly “a Little Too Excited” About Her Minouche Shafik Costume
President Armstrong has reportedly been what many call “a little too excited” about the Minouche…
JD Vance Spotted at Hell’s Kitchen Gay Bar Bear Night
On Saturday, numerous Columbia twinks gave reports that they saw Senator JD Vance dancing alone…