
Columbia’s Only Newspaper that Practices Nonhierarchical Ethical Non-Monogamy
Volume XLII • Issue 4 • February 2025
From the Issue:
President Trump Unveils the Committee On Containing Knowledge
Last week President Trump announced the erection of a new body: the Committee On Containing Knowledge (C.O.C.K.), tasked…
“Five Stars for Five-Head”: Lily-Rose Depp’s Groundbreaking Forehead Representation
Lily Rose-Depp’s starring role in Robert Egger’s remake of the classic film Nosferatu has been critically acclaimed, but…
Mikey Madison To Teach Russian For Heritage Speakers I & II
After the broad success and acclaim of Anora (despite my mid Letterboxd review lolz follow me @moistweave), Columbia’s…
Laura Rosenbury on Retaking Ballet I This Semester: “Oh, Let’s Make Fun of the Girl Who Took a Risk and Put Herself Out There Creatively”
After taking Ballet I at Barnard last semester, President Rosenbury has reportedly been seen auditing the intro class…
Dear Fed: I Wrote You an Acrostic Valentine’s Poem to Show You That I Really Care <3
From: A Loyal Reader By Oliver Green Fantastic! Enchanting! Delightful! Erm, ok I thought the deal was I’d…
“All Ham Dilly La!” Says CU Republican Trying Yemeni Latte at Qahwah House
Upon reading President Armstrong’s recent email calling for “genuine dialogue between people from all backgrounds,” Carnegie Winthrop (CC…
“Pressed” Up: A Fed x Spec Fanfiction
Tags: #fedxspec #fedtator #columbiafederalist #columbiadailyspectator #enemiestolovers #slowburn #collegeau #columbiauniversity #newyorkcity #journalism “Spec!” A familiar voice belonging to Bwog…
Dear Freshmen: That A- WILL Ruin Your Life
Last year, when I got my spring semester grades back, I received an A- in Calculus. “Well, an…
PCHS To Offer Free Separation Surgeries for Conjoined Couples
This Valentine’s Day, ask your lover for the most romantic gift of all: a little space, for Christ’s…
Seasonal Depression Lands Full-Time Job as Regular Depression
A major career move is making headlines in the mental illness industry—according to a press release posted on…
RFK Jr. To Ban Shaving Above the Knee
Washington, D.C.—In a surprise broadcast last night, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to head the Department…
Horrifying: Student Found Living in Columbia Housing
Tragic news came from Morningside Heights this week, where a group of students found their peer, Jonah Riviera,…
Columbia University Center for Canoodling Finds Best Way to Approach Women Remains Asking if They’re a Mosquito
In a stunning report that sent rigid shockwaves through both the Barnard and Columbia campuses, the Columbia University…
Melania Trump or Black Browed Albatross?
Missed Connections: That One Statue Next to Futter Field
Saw you as I was power-walking to Diana before class to get a burrito bowl. Couldn’t take my…
Best Cuck Chairs on Campus for Couples Looking to Try Something New This Valentine’s Day
Milstein Green Chairs. The Fed specifically recommends the chairs on the 2nd floor overlooking Futter Field for their…
John Jay and Fac Shack Had a Baby: They Named Him Johnny
It was a love story out of one of those cheesy rom coms. John Jay was a lonely…
JD Vance “Just Wants to Fit In”
In a cabinet filled with some of the most successful men in the world, one small (5’6”) man…
A SONNET FOR A PLASTIC ROD
Oh Nexplanon, thou slender, silent lance,guard my—well, technically no longer mine,depending on the state’s judicial stancebroadcast on an…
Study: Low Library Actually Pretty High Relative to Most of Campus
Following a study conducted by the Columbia Graduate School of Architecture, researchers determined that Low Library falsely claimed…
We Let Jeff Bezos Buy The Federalist
We don’t care. We took the money. He has a hot girlfriend and journalistic ethics have never been…
Majestic, Moist, (Malicious) Mystery Meat
I walked into Ferris looking for a delectable treat, but nothing caught my eye save for some mystery…
Top 6 Romantic Campus Spots to Take Your Valentine
By Cupid 1. CPS: Counseling and Psychological Services to some, Couple’s Preferred Spot to others. Between the cellists and…
QOTD: Am I being slut shamed or do you actually care if I’m cold?
Sure, it’s like 25 degrees out, and sure, I’m wearing a micro skirt—-have you ever heard of fashion?…
The Fed’s Guide to Ditching That Person Who Thought You Were “Best Friends” Last Semester
We’ve all gone through it: you pull up to campus all excited to see your friends—or at least,…
Columbia Purchases Greenland
Interim President Armstrong revealed in a press release this morning that Columbia University has acquired the territory of…
Barnard Store to Collaborate with Temu Amid Barnard Deficit Crisis
Instead of changing the policies, attitudes, and language that have been largely responsible for Barnard’s lack of incoming…
Student at Chef Mike’s Reportedly Extremely Anxious to Order Same Sandwich for the Thousandth Time
According to multiple reports from our dedicated Federalist correspondents in Uris Hall, SEAS student Anne T. Seaushill has…
Self Care Win: This Student Dropped Out
Life as a Columbia student can be kinda stressful. High workloads, high academic standards, and high expectations can…
Women’s Health Win! Barnard to Offer FREE Bagels and Pap Schmears
In honor of Valentine’s Day, Barnard’s Health and Wellness team is proud to present free bagels and pap…
Kylie Jenner’s Kids Can No Longer Fall Asleep Without A Harmonica Lullaby by Timothée Chalamet
With Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner’s unsuspecting relationship going on two years next month, Chalamet has become a…
So Fucking Hot: Roar-ee Gets a Perm
If you’ve been on campus since the semester began, you know there’s one thing that everybody has been…
r/AmItheAsshole: AITA for Breaking Up with My Girlfriend After She Posted Our Fight on SideChat
I (21M) was posted on C/Dating and Relationships on SideChat by my girlfriend (20F) and now I’m getting…
Fed Love Advice: Tips from a Man Who’s Ruined Every Valentine’s Day
He did it so you won’t think to! Fed staff found a man who has become single by…
Undercover Boss? Dean Sorett Spotted in Beanie and Sunglasses
Hot off the presses—Columbia’s resident bald baddie Dean Josef Sorett was spotted on College Walk yesterday in a…
Barnard Girl at Heart: Hillary Requests More Secret Service Agents Who Look Like Timothée Chalamet
Were you too young to experience the 2015 Hillary Clinton email scandal? Good news! WikiLeaks has outdone itself,…
Heartwarming: Barnard Receives Donation of 50 Cents and Half-Eaten Hot Dog
With the announcement that Barnard will be $252 million in projected debt for its construction project, the college…
The Fed’s Guide to Polyamory: How to Maximize Your Number of Dates on Feb 14
Wake up at 5 AM. No excuses. Coffee date #1 is happening bright and early, maybe followed by…
Student Excited to Announce That They Are #OpenToDate
Hi everyone! I wanted to share an important update with my network regarding my personal life. I am…