"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?" …
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."…
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."…
4. Kill the author of this article.…
Family Ends New Years Eve Party With Traditional Blood Oath Not To See Each Other For 8 Months
by Philip Maehr
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.…
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"…
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."…
"I did feel like the original ending of instituting a Demilitarized Zone between the Koreas was a total cop out.”…
Op-Ed: I Have A Right To Free Speech, So Let Me Practice My Monologue In Your Apartment
by Anonymous
"My audition is coming up, and the fact that you won’t let me run my lines by you while you’re watching TV is a textbook infringement on my right to free speech."…
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.…
