In a recent announcement via their diplomatic envoy, “Little France” (the tiny run-off nation located in the narrow corridor between the Lawns and Butler Library) has begun strict enforcement of their border.…
Ahead of President-re-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, businesses are making big changes to their environmental messaging, adapting to dire projections of climate change. Everyone’s favorite childhood restaurant, the Rainforest Cafe, has announced that…
In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
Sometimes, at school, it feels like I’m constantly falling behind. I forget to turn in assignments, sleep through my classes, and pull constant all-nighters to barely scrape by on my endless midterms.…
Cock-a-doodle-doo! As we’re in the new semester, one can’t help but think of rebirth, new beginnings, and the non-powdered scrambled eggs your mom is gonna cook for you when you finally go…
International students, who once claimed that they felt intimidated by the cruel New York winter, report feeling adequately prepared to face the freezing cold thanks to the Butler Library entrance wind. The…
Dear Fed, 2024 was gonna be MY year. My year to learn how to crochet little tops like all the cool girls on campus, that is. So as part of my New…
It’s a recent phenomenon, Friendsgiving. Much like the famed and corporatized “Galentine’s Day,” Friendsgiving has become another holiday about celebrating your found family: getting together with your closest pals, cooking a hearty…
It seems to (still) be unclear to many that the Federal Reserve, in fact, does not have an undergraduate club at Columbia University. The Columbia Federalist has made a statement on this…
