Citing the campus-famous maxim “Barnard to bed, Columbia to wed,” Katrina Armstrong is commencing her interim presidency by announcing a five-year strategic plan aimed at lowering the rate of Barnard boyfriends. “These…
In a deeply moving scene on Tuesday, witnesses reported seeing a single metal tear sorrowfully fall from the left eye of the Alma Mater statue. Upon hearing about the normally-impassive statue shed…
Shortly after the Fed famously broke the news of now-ex-President Minouche Shafik’s resignation, Dr. Katrina Armstrong of the Vagelos Medical School was announced as the new President of Columbia University. Now, newly-leaked…
To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia, If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I,…
When I first walked into 569 Lerner, I was immediately struck by two things: one, I was the only other guy in the room full of girls. Strange, but no problem. Maybe…
Happy first year of college you little queers! It’s so cute that you decided to come to a historically women’s college because you love theorizing gender and also want to escape your…
In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
Moo Deng Falls Asleep During All-Nighter in Butler, Blows Snot Bubble Moo Deng Waits for 12oz Chai Latte in Liz’s Place Moo Deng and Her Mother Take Typical Family Photo With Alma…
Dear members of the Columbia community: I am writing to you to share with you how we are thinking about recent events regarding public access and heightened security presence on campus. The…
MANHATTAN, NEW YORK – Earlier this month, the New York Post reported that Barron Trump, son of Donald and Melania Trump, was beginning his first year at New York University’s Stern School…
