Dear Fed, All my friends are going to Punta Cana for Spring Break this year, and I’m supposed to go with them, but I’m starting to feel weird about it. We were…
At a time of peak winter-weather cuddles, Punxsutawney Phyllis has kicked husband Phil to the couch due to the recent warm, specifically spring, weather. TMZ reports that Phil has been “out of…
A major career move is making headlines in the mental illness industry—according to a press release posted on their Instagram story this morning, your Seasonal Depression has accepted a full-time role as…
Interim President Armstrong revealed in a press release this morning that Columbia University has acquired the territory of Greenland in a move that has shocked many in the international community. Armstrong cited…
Ahead of President-re-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, businesses are making big changes to their environmental messaging, adapting to dire projections of climate change. Everyone’s favorite childhood restaurant, the Rainforest Cafe, has announced that…
In anticipation of the holidays, a joint research publication from the Stanford University and Columbia University Psychology Departments unveiled that a mere 34% of American uncles fell above one standard deviation from…
When the fires broke out in LA two weeks ago, it wasn’t the acrid smell of smoke or the apocalyptic orange sky that unsettled me the most—it was the way they reminded…
In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
Sometimes, at school, it feels like I’m constantly falling behind. I forget to turn in assignments, sleep through my classes, and pull constant all-nighters to barely scrape by on my endless midterms.…
