ASPEN, CO—A shocking new report from the Department of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes has exposed an undercover collaboration between BigSki and BigKneeDoctor, with insiders alleging that ski resorts have been intentionally…
Now, I’m reasonable with money. I’ve never placed a bet in my life. I’m a lady, for god’s sake. I’m a financially mature person. If someone offered me a dollar, I’d take…
If you’ve been on campus since the semester began, you know there’s one thing that everybody has been talking about: Roar-ee’s new look. Clearly, over break, the feline sensation went home and…
As a result of the Columbia Lions’ recent epic losses, Roar–ee stated in a recent interview with The Federalist that, after some self-reflection, he has decided it will be best for his…
Are you such a pathetic little football team that you just love being degraded and humiliated by every major news outlet in the United States? Do you like having your first win…
In preparation for Homecoming, Columbia University’s Board of Trustees have announced their plans to retire Roar-ee and replace him with a new, very chill mascot. This decision comes after controversy over the…
So, the Yankees lost the World Series. You spent all that time learning player names so you could pretend to be a fan when they won, but then the Yankees lost. But…
Hey you! Sick of being just another one of those lanky dweebs who blends into the background of every Halloweekend party? Every second wasted on school work or self care is a…
As the Columbia Women’s Basketball team advances for the first time in program history to the Women’s NCAA Tournament, The Columbia Federalist has commenced an observational study of the student population. Our…
BREAKING: To boost campus morale, President Minouche Shafik announced that she is bringing back former President Bollinger’s esteemed “Fun Run 5k Run/Walk” on Monday. The event will offer Shaf-food (mini pretzel bags…
