"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."…
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate." …
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”…
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”…
Terrorist Sacrifices Life for Seventy-Two Virgins, Revives In Art of Engineering Classroom
by Anonymous
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”…
"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"…
"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."…
Intended Classics Major Says Fuck It, Not Worth Four Years of Hamilton’s Sixth Floor
by Julian Pecht
"You should see those emaciated Slavic studies fuckers on Floor Seven.”…
"Because while ole Jeffy-Jeff did some pretty bad things, if we focus just on those we lose the big picture - a vibrant canvas which clearly shows that as a society, we…
"The two girls, who refer to themselves collectively as '704,' their room number, have begun the semester with conflicting class schedules."…
