“Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against this university's principles. That kid fucking sucks.”…
Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"…
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”…
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate." …
"All this time I was talking about rabbis, but he was thinking about priests?”…
"I’ve always been torn between my love of Gertrude Stein and weirdly shaped plants. But now I don’t have to be.”…
Terrorist Sacrifices Life for Seventy-Two Virgins, Revives In Art of Engineering Classroom
by Anonymous
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”…
"I’ve never introduced myself without explicitly mentioning it: 'He/Him/His, Columbia College, Burbank, California.'"…
"This way, students can rest assured that even if that misdiagnosed strep throat becomes fatal, their souls will be preserved in eternal light."…
Intended Classics Major Says Fuck It, Not Worth Four Years of Hamilton’s Sixth Floor
by Julian Pecht
"You should see those emaciated Slavic studies fuckers on Floor Seven.”…
