In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”…
In Effort to Compete with Other Women’s Colleges, Barnard Opens Admission to Students of All Gender Identities
by Mimi Evans
Otis Wofford, CC ’22, expressed his discontent with the decision. “Women, men and gender non-conforming folks being a part of the same institution? The social justice warriors are out of control.” …
At first we thought our challenges wouldn’t be insurmountable. We thought that with discipline, resolve, and a heavy dose of hard work, Spec would persevere. But then came the op-eds.…
“I’m told at one point, the quiz registered full attendance while only twelve students were in the room,” police chief Marcellus Johnson explained. “Something had to be done.”…
“He just looks so thin and pale in his facestagrams that I knew I had to give him his own mother’s medicine: my famous Latkes!” Marsha said.…
Columbia Economics Department: “The Only Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism is Eating Ass”
by Alex Horn
Professors in the Columbia Department of Economics confirmed that according to their research, the only product that can be morally consumed under our current economic system is the asshole of an acquaintance.…
“Got a sock,” said Montás in disbelief. “President threw it, and Montás caught it, and Montás—Montás is free.”…
“I probably should have known something was up when I entered and didn’t even check in with a human, just a slimy iPad from 2008.”…
“We’re going all out to ensure that every sad boi finds his sad non-gendered partner this Valentine’s Day.”…
If this journey has taught me anything, it is that I mustn't change who I am to find love with a future Goldman Sachs managing director. Instead, I must transfer to Barnard.…
