Whence this takeout is I think I know. To me those doors are now closed though; No one will see me stopping here To watch John Jay pile up with snow. My…
In a statement released by Joanna Stalnaker in r/Columbia last Tuesday at 2:31 AM, it was brought to our attention that the Columbia Core Committee will be removing Song of Solomon from…
Looking for the shortest possible commute? Carlton Arms, a little-known dorm sitting neatly between Hartley and Wallach, is beloved by Columbia students for its convenient location! Do note that looking up “Carlton…
Resident Girl in Red fan reports, “At first I thought my gaydar might be off and she was actually just straight, but then I saw her Chai Iced Latte. I mean, no…
At the undergraduate level, most vaccine decisions will be made based on major. A leaked list of majors shows that economics, computer science, physics, and mechanical engineering students will receive the vaccine…
Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common…
I’m not quite sure how to put this tastefully. I tried to end things amicably, but you crossed the line. Boundaries are put in place for a reason, and because of that,…
After pleading with Eric for insight on his difficult courseload, he gave in, emphasizing his charitability in “advising plebeians.” With vigor in his eyes, he revealed, “I haven’t slept in three days,…
Common symptoms are living vicariously through Instagram posts, touch deprivation, lucid dreaming about a life without your blue light glasses, and crying. If you find yourself experiencing these, please reach out to…
