In response to COVID compact violations in Butler library, Columbia has instituted a new policy to enforce COVID safety measures. “We’ll kill you if you don’t wear a mask,” a Butler librarian…
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, NY — Per Columbia’s surveillance protocols, Columbia’s Medical Director Melanie J. Bernitz and staff test the dorm’s wastewater to track potential COVID outbreaks, but The Fed has also received inside…
Citing recent research funded by the Columbia Republicans Club and clinical trials done in a third-floor Carman dorm, first-year students confirmed that the equestrian form of amphetamine totally slaps. Like hard. “I…
In an effort to boost mental health before finals week, medical services have decided to add affirmations to the ReopenCU app. In a statement, Columbia Health said “Besides declaring yourself COVID free…
MORNINGSIDE, NY – On Wednesday, December 8, Freshman Sam Brown was confused by what was taking the Ferris Lunch line so long. “I was just trying to get my grilled cheese on,”…
Last Monday, graduate student Matt Owens asked his Contemporary Civilizations section to write a 300-word discussion post about Aristotle’s theory of happiness, due on Wednesday at 11:59 pm. Katie Benson (CC’24) submitted…
Fresh off of landmark careers of blocking, stalling, and haggling their way to the front of the national stage, Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have become Columbia University’s newest hires. “We…
Friends from NSOP One ReopenCU daily attestation SSOL’s downtime during course registration Your 8:40am lecture Your student debt The bedsheets that you haven’t washed since your mom made your bed in August …
“I’m the co-president of X club!” Just replace X with the name of any former president and talk about how you initiate campus-wide discussions on hot-button issues. Make it sound super impressive…
"I can't do this any longer," Gradis confessed tearfully. "I have to pretend I understand what's happening in this class for the whole semester? Are you kidding? I'm an Econ major." …
