In response to the recent Timothée Chalamet look-alike contest in New York in October, a Harry Styles look-alike contest emerged in London, a Paul Mescal look-alike contest in Dublin, and a Jeremy…
Following a recent NYC Health food inspection of Ferris Booth Commons, the directorship of Columbia Dining was last seen pouring through their Health Standards syllabus to see if their end-of-year grade would…
Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced In effort to reduce collisions between students looking down at their phones! “Look, we’ve tried everything – but…
As the only undergraduate freshman in my Chinese class, it’s not unusual to feel young. But lately I’ve been feeling younger than usual. Everyone has that one GS classmate who looks a…
Call me a crotchety old geezer if you like, but this newest generation is too soft. Ever since this latest “climate change” fad hit the streets, freshmen aren’t wiping out on the…
O great John Jay pasta bar Your fixins’ make me weep, Creamy cheese sauce Marinara too My favorite post-class treat! Sequestered in my corner chair Back hunched over my plate. When I…
An investigation by your loyal Federalists has revealed a harrowing truth: the beloved books lining the walls of your favorite reading room in Butler are fakes! A tip was called in by…
Grandma got run over by Chef Mike Walking home from Uris Christmas Eve You can say he never meant to do it But as for all the students we believe She’d been…
As of 1:47 AM, The Federalist can officially confirm that your roommate has officially thrown his hat into the ring and is currently running for CC 2026 class representative. In a stunning…
To the girl who sits in front of me in my Intro to Art History lecture, I am so grateful that you still think that if the brightness on your laptop is…
