In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence hall, the CARES Community Safety team appointed a new Security Chief Alpha, 6’3 former-CEO Hugh G. Thruster. Recent survey reports…
‘Twas the night before my midterm, when all through the floor The athletes were stirring, those terrible whores. Their mouths pierced the restful reading room with flair, In hopes that one and…
Uris Pool will be CLOSED on Sunday, December 7th, from 7 pm to 9:30 pm, due to someone taking a fat shit in the pool. That’s right: one of your dear, dear…
The Department of Public Safety was informed that on Friday, December 5th, 2025, at approximately 11:30 p.m., a suspicious person was identified at 2940 Broadway Hall. The individual is male presenting and…
Following their mandated reading of the Sparknotes for Homer’s Iliad in their LitHum classes, several freshmen have found some modern thematic resonance that was most certainly not on the administration’s approved thought…
Columbia University Facilities and Operations has announced that Uris Pool will be temporarily converted into an indoor skating rink for the holiday season. “Over the summer and throughout the semester, we kept…
Continuing their multi-year saga of controversial decisions, Columbia’s administration has recently announced that their famed merch store will, shockingly, continue to sell books. The store, which sprawls below the basement of Lerner…
Carlton Arms Dormitory has been seeing a recent spike in false-alarm activation of the Fire Safety System due to what a Columbia Housing representative called a “better-safe-than-sorry” approach to triggering the alarm. …
Following the first snowfall of the semester, Barnard students have called a petition for the removal of an alleged snowman under the pretense of it being “too heteronormative.” Our sources show the…
After dismounting from their camels and waiting in a gaggle of Barnard students, the three wise men finally reached the East Campus front desk. Fortunately, Joey, an EC resident, agreed to sign…
