Oh how I wish I could go back to the day when I clicked that little “Upload Photo” box on SSOL. It seemed so innocent, just begging me to have some fun…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
As the school year kicks off, I must issue a warning to everyone attending Barnard/Columbia!! Whether you’re entering college or considering dabbling in a new dating pool, I have an urgent PSA:…
Colin, a first-year PoliSci student from Ohio, called his mom to tell her he finally got invited to his first college party! He didn’t even get to the Carman floor nine lounge…
We at The Federalist are proud to announce our first-of-its-kind, exclusive interview with a transgender extraterrestrial from the ❆❅❄ star system.“⟟ ⏃⋔ ⏃ ⏁⍀⏃⋏⌇☌⟒⋏⎅⟒,” it said, admiring the penis fountain near Low.…
“They Got Joe, but They Won’t Get Me,” 114-Year-Old Roar-ee Insists He is Still Fit to Serve Despite Concerns About His Age
After the historic announcement that President Biden will not seek reelection after months of concern regarding his mental state, Democratic Party members shifted to their next elderly target: Columbia’s 114-year-old lion mascot…
Chef Mike’s recently announced that they would be introducing a new sandwich: the Liberation Special. The special will include chicken breast, lettuce, tomatoes, and olives, a colorful array of fillings suited for…
Last Saturday, students walking around campus reported observing several intriguing occurrences involving an inexplicable horde of little kids, nannies, and a random food truck near the sundial. Samantha Liu (CC ‘25) provided…
If there’s two things you can count on being asked during the holidays, they are: “What are you studying?” and “Oh… and what are you planning on doing with that?” And yeah,…
Columbia University’s School of General Studies (GS) announced that the school has closed its doors for good this Sunday. This sudden shuttering has sent a wave of disbelief and confusion throughout the…