Last Saturday, senior advisor Elon Musk stepped into work after a long night of playing video games, tending to a fire started by dollar bills, and a strange dream involving a ghost…
No seriously: he just sits there, randomly guesses four things, and somehow manages to be one away. Then he uses all his guesses, gets nothing right, opens an incognito tab, and does…
Well, that was fast. Columbia’s interim president, Katrina Armstrong, has resigned after barely more than a month on the job. An independent review of communications to the student body from Columbia administrators…
The Hudson River: home to fish, party cruises, sewage, chemical contamination, and, now, the Columbia College swim test. In a recent change by Columbia administrators, students graduating in 2028 and later will…
In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
Oh how I wish I could go back to the day when I clicked that little “Upload Photo” box on SSOL. It seemed so innocent, just begging me to have some fun…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
As the school year kicks off, I must issue a warning to everyone attending Barnard/Columbia!! Whether you’re entering college or considering dabbling in a new dating pool, I have an urgent PSA:…
Colin, a first-year PoliSci student from Ohio, called his mom to tell her he finally got invited to his first college party! He didn’t even get to the Carman floor nine lounge…
We at The Federalist are proud to announce our first-of-its-kind, exclusive interview with a transgender extraterrestrial from the ❆❅
star system.“⟟ ⏃⋔ ⏃ ⏁⍀⏃⋏⌇☌⟒⋏⎅⟒,” it said, admiring the penis fountain near Low.…
