As part of a new movement towards more on-campus dining options, Columbia has decided to open 58 new dining halls. While many thought the Fac Shack would be the last addition to…
Inauguration Pushed to Friday after Chef Don and Chef Mike’s Opening Act Play, Of Meatballs and Men, Runs Long
When a crowd gathered around Low Steps on Wednesday to watch the once-in-a-decade inauguration of a new Columbia president, many were at first confused why she stood waiting in the wings. At…
Rabbinical Council of America Rules Eating at John Jay is Sufficient Repentance for Yom Kippur, Fasting Not Required
BREAKING – Jewish students at Columbia on this autumn morning to discover a new Yom Kippur rule passed by the Rabbinical Council of America. “After consulting a long lost, ancient printing of…
I Love Everything About My New Roommate Except For The Fact That He’s a Chimpanzee Wearing Sunglasses
I’ve heard a lot of roommate horror stories over the years, but this isn’t one of them. My roommate is nice, quiet, respectful of my personal space, and he keeps the dorm…
According to a leaked press release, it appears that Columbia is finally following suit in the time honored New York trend of shortening names. Starting in Fall 2023, Columbia University will be…
Dear Fed, I think I might be in love with the Thinker. Hear me out. I was walking out of my Metaphysical Erotics in Aristotelean Constructs class one day when I was…
After her recent appointment to Columbia, President Shafik was quick to announce her first campaign: Make Columbia British Again. After immediately renaming the school King’s College, of course, here are her proposed…
We here at the Federalist are proud to announce that we are for boats. If our readers have had one complaint about our work over the years, it is that we haven’t…
Dear Spotify: Please Remove “Uptown Munk” by Alvin and the Chipmunks From My Wrapped
Dear Spotify Wrapped, Look, we all have our phases. Sure, it’s a bit embarrassing to show your friends that Charlie Puth is your top artist when you’re supposed to be all cool…