Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced In effort to reduce collisions between students looking down at their phones! “Look, we’ve tried everything – but…
Inspired by and directly stolen from Robert Frost Two Canada Gooses diverged in a dorm closet, And sorry I could not wear both And be doubly-coated, long I stood And looked at…
Dear Fed, Here we are, week number whatever of the semester, and I have a confession to make. I am not locked in. Like, at all, dude. I’m not grinding, hustling, or…
Have you ever walked by that silly little marble bench while you’re on the way to take up too much space at Milstein’s tiny tables? Ever noticed that the bench has cute…
It is a truth universally acknowledged that any future Columbia millionaires and billionaires hoping to secure a job from the very start of college must be in want of a finance club.…
Oh, you were at Brooklyn Mirage (pre-serial killer, obvs) bouncing around in a white tank with no bra on? That’s cool. I was trying to catch the B up to Times Square/42nd…
To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia, If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I,…
Rejoice! Former University President Lee C. Bollinger has announced that in the spirit of Easter, he is resurrecting his presidency. When representatives from The Fed asked Prezbo about this radical move, he…
Oh, hi! Good afternoon! Wait, it’s only 11:45? The days just seem so much longer and fuller now. You know, because of my 8:40 class, of course! Golly, I just never realized…
Dear Fed, 2024 was gonna be MY year. My year to learn how to crochet little tops like all the cool girls on campus, that is. So as part of my New…
