In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
Have you ever exited Hewitt–brownie, pizza, and soft serve in hand–and been stared down by a brown-haired, turtlenecked headshot of the elusive “Barnard Dietitian?” Perhaps you also pondered questions like: should I…
Declaring that they were “getting back to their roots” and expressing their “sadness that it didn’t work out,” the Columbia University Board of Trustees announced in a recent email that they plan…
PRESIDENT SHAFIK IS GONE. WE BEAT SPEC TO TELLING YOU. TIMES ARE A’CHANGIN. NO NEED FOR MORE SPEC-FED FRISBEE GAMES, WE WIN BABYYYYY…
In a shocking email sent at 1:13am, President Shafik, in conjunction with the Board of Trustees, announced that the next year at Columbia has been canceled due to an increased risk of…
Earlier today, it was discovered that Columbia University had canceled its main commencement ceremony, which typically takes place on the Morningside campus from Butler lawns to Low Library. Major media outlets such…
After thousands of Columbia students found out via random GroupMe messages that the 2024 campus-wide graduation ceremony had been canceled, university president, Minouche Shafik, threw in the towel and said “fuck it,…
Given the high tensions on campus and the recent lockdown of Columbia’s Morningside campus, Columbia and Barnard administrators are done with their facades of “dialogue” and “student safety.” In a joint statement,…
Chef Mike’s recently announced that they would be introducing a new sandwich: the Liberation Special. The special will include chicken breast, lettuce, tomatoes, and olives, a colorful array of fillings suited for…
