"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"…
In the coming months, Columbians will finally have something to fill the orange-chicken-sized hole in their hearts.…
"His previous experience transporting souls across the river Styx to the world of the dead was eye-opening; he is just impeccably qualified to take the reins of our institution’s cherished nursing home.”…
"Just what I need to deliver an understated, disinterested broadcast."…
Donald Trump may not know anything about Namibia, but he’s not going to forget the way President Geingob paired this bold vertical-striped suit with that diagonally-striped tie and pocket square.…
"Jesus, what a tease," exclaimed a still-parched local man.…
“How will I find other casual sports fans who enjoy smoking a bowl or two?”…
"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."…
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside…
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job. …
