In recent campus news, Columbia representatives announced that legacy admission students would now be given a leg up in getting into the university: “We believe that the debates about the impact of…
Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by…
President Katrina Armstrong has declared that The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump will be added as required reading in all CC classes beginning next semester. “I know some community members…
Last week President Trump announced the erection of a new body: the Committee On Containing Knowledge (C.O.C.K.), tasked with erecting standards for educational material. Described as “the climax of our efforts to…
Come one! Come all! Hear ye this tale of woe, and depart with a new hack for this dreadful winter season. A fortnight ago, ‘twas shiveringly cold in my dormitory. I tossed…
In a stunning recent report, the American Psychiatric Association announced that the diagnosis of “Sidechat User” would be added to the next update of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders…
The Royal Guard requirements will be strict: each recruit must be under 5’6 in recognition of Columbia’s shortest presidential run. Long live the Baroness! …
Moo Deng Falls Asleep During All-Nighter in Butler, Blows Snot Bubble Moo Deng Waits for 12oz Chai Latte in Liz’s Place Moo Deng and Her Mother Take Typical Family Photo With Alma…
