In a surprising and controversial move, the Activities Board at Columbia (ABC) has announced that they will be removing further funding from all student groups under their banner. This will not be…
In a highly-anticipated announcement, Columbia University administrators have announced that The Police will be performing at Bacchanal this year. “We want Bacchanal to reflect the state of campus, and who better than…
After recent reports of activists engaging in sit-ins, an alleged bomb threat, and $400 million dollars of federal contracts and grants being frozen by the Department of Justice (DOJ), Department of Health…
Last week President Trump announced the erection of a new body: the Committee On Containing Knowledge (C.O.C.K.), tasked with erecting standards for educational material. Described as “the climax of our efforts to…
So, the Yankees lost the World Series. You spent all that time learning player names so you could pretend to be a fan when they won, but then the Yankees lost. But…
As thousands of wide-eyed freshmen join our Columbia community each fall, many undergo the rigorous process of trying to join various student groups that, unlike the Columbia Federalist, require an application. But…
Midterms season is a time of stress. In response, students try to find many ways to cope with the stress. Some of the most popular strategies include all-nighters at Butler Library, ingesting…
In a deeply moving scene on Tuesday, witnesses reported seeing a single metal tear sorrowfully fall from the left eye of the Alma Mater statue. Upon hearing about the normally-impassive statue shed…
Shortly after the Fed famously broke the news of now-ex-President Minouche Shafik’s resignation, Dr. Katrina Armstrong of the Vagelos Medical School was announced as the new President of Columbia University. Now, newly-leaked…
