So, the Yankees lost the World Series. You spent all that time learning player names so you could pretend to be a fan when they won, but then the Yankees lost. But…
As thousands of wide-eyed freshmen join our Columbia community each fall, many undergo the rigorous process of trying to join various student groups that, unlike the Columbia Federalist, require an application. But…
Midterms season is a time of stress. In response, students try to find many ways to cope with the stress. Some of the most popular strategies include all-nighters at Butler Library, ingesting…
Single Metal Tear Falls From Alma Mater As No Freshman Sit On Her Knee, Give Wishes For Year
In a deeply moving scene on Tuesday, witnesses reported seeing a single metal tear sorrowfully fall from the left eye of the Alma Mater statue. Upon hearing about the normally-impassive statue shed…
REVEALED: Armstrong Chosen As President Because Board Wanted Someone Who Could Hold Them
Shortly after the Fed famously broke the news of now-ex-President Minouche Shafik’s resignation, Dr. Katrina Armstrong of the Vagelos Medical School was announced as the new President of Columbia University. Now, newly-leaked…