One thing led to another, and my night, I am sorry to say, ended in the basement of Mudd.…
The department will focus on attempting to heal people through “the power of love”, a technique originally pioneered by Ms. Willamson while tripping on LSD in Ram Dass’s Jacuzzi.…
“BDS is, like, super cool. My ex-girlfriend from high school is studying Bachelor of Dental Surgery in the UK — she says it’s dope. I miss her.”…
Nintendo Unveils Pokémon Literally-Just-Don’t-Kill-Yourself to Curb Growing Suicide Rate
by Anonymous
“We at The Pokémon Company recognize out unique position as possibly the only organization able to mobilize people around the world to maintain basic functionality of their bodies. In today’s society, Pokémon…
After Ancestry.com Binge, President Bollinger Comes Out as One-Sixteenth Native American
by Anonymous
In his concluding remarks, Bollinger made a surprising revelation: “I have been notified by my ancestors that all lands previously inhabited by the Lenape people have been granted to me, personally.”…
“Three weeks went by, and not a word from anyone. Just yesterday I received an email from President Bollinger telling me to ‘keep up the great work!’”, said Columbia Housing Executive Director…
Formerly Politically Oppressed Student from Mississippi Breaks Fingers after Snapping too Much
by Anonymous
Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.…
“A second location is already being planned atop the heap of Fleetwood Mac CD’s forming 100 yards away.”…
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”…
Terrorist Sacrifices Life for Seventy-Two Virgins, Revives In Art of Engineering Classroom
by Anonymous
"There were at least 90 virgins in that room, so I do feel like I got some decent value.”…
