Just weeks into the semester, Schapiro roommates Santiago Anderson and Tanner Sanchez, whose class schedules are exactly the same, have decided it’s already time to throw in the towel and just start jerking each other off.
“We tried everything and everywhere,” explained Anderson, who was reached for comment. “Bunk beds, turning our backs, abstaining entirely.I even tried a field trip to a Butler stall, but the porcelain throne was just too off-putting. My dick straight up retreated like a rightened turtle. Took me an hour to coax the fucker out. Anyway, nothing worked. Eventually we decided, you know what, fuck it. Let’s just jerk each other off.”
“It was really strange the way it happened,” recounted Sanchez. “ A couple weeks in, I thought I was done for. I was so backed up, I’m surprised the plumbers’ union didn’t declare me a safety hazard. At one point, someone left a window open in my theology lecture hall, and a light breeze came in. Let me tell you, I had to bail out of that one real fast, or we would’ve been discussing a whole ‘nother Great Flood, if you get what I’m saying. And then one day, we were both just sitting on our beds, not jerking off, and then suddenly we turned to face each other. We looked into each other’s eyes, and then we both knew, just like that. It felt so natural. It was a really special moment.”
The decision has proven to be a timesaver, too, for the synchronous boys. Having sat down together and arranged a certain time each day to jerk each other off, now there’s never any worry, any hurry, or any doubt.
It might seem weird, but the trick, they say, is to stand in neutral territory between beds and maintain eye contact at all times throughout. This is to cut down on strictly off-limits peeking and glancing. It may also help, they say, to mutter “No homo no homo” repeatedly under the breath in hushed tones (in unison, of course).
Though a great relief to the two boys, however, the new arrangement is not free of complications.
Said Sanchez to reporters, “I mean, I’m definitely glad I’m not catching myself eyeing holes in trees lustfully anymore, but I just sometimes feel like the exchange isn’t super equal. Anderson’s handys are really kinda clinical and uninspired, whereas I like to put in 110% into my manual stimulation. After 7ish years of beating my meat like it owes me money, I really consider myself a master of the art of dick — like a Picasso of gherkin-jerkin’. A Mozart of flogging the one-eyed snake.” At this, the young prodigy paused. “But, like, not in a gay way, you feel?”
Despite this, or possibly because of it, however, Anderson is quite sold on this new system. “I highly recommend any other same-schedule roomies out there to try their hands at jerking each other off,” he said. “It’s changed our lives, and it can change yours too.”
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