In what could only be described as “one colossal fuck-up,” the Columbia College Admissions Office accidentally admitted a conservative student to the Class of 2021.
Officials explained that when they released early application decisions on December 15th and mailed a letter to Ms. Alicia Hempstead’s home in Whiteborough, CT, they had assumed that she, like the vast majority of Columbia College applicants, was a liberal. When the truth came out in Ms. Hempstead’s post on the “Columbia Class of 2021” Facebook page – in which she affirmed her support for gay marriage and reproductive rights but expressed skepticism about liberal economic policies – quick action was taken to eliminate the possibility of her contaminating the student body.
“We simply hadn’t expected that someone from this sort of background would have even considered applying to Columbia College,” explained Dean of Undergraduate Admissions, Jessica Marinaccio. “It’s typically expected that those of a more conservative persuasion will look towards some one-room schoolhouse on the prairie, like Dartmouth.”
“At Columbia, we pride ourselves on the diverse perspectives of our student body, and believe such variety is crucial in order to foster challenging – but, of course, not too challenging – debates,” Marinaccio said. “Each year, we work hard to admit a few different shades of blue to our metaphorical pool, but it seems this time a drop of red has muddied our waters. Needless to say, Ms. Hempstead’s acceptance has been rescinded; but we look forward to seeing her application to the School of General Studies with the rest of the right-wing crowd.”
Students expressed relief at the Admissions Office’s haste in correcting their grave mistake “It would just be unfair to force someone to be her roommate,” said Kate Minskoff, CC ‘20. “I mean, this is Morningside Heights — who wants some Lilly-Pulitzer-ass-bitch on their campus?”
At press time, sources confirmed that Hampstead probably dates guys names Chad, or Keith or something gross like that.
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