When asked by Federalist reporters about her dedication to clean eating, Woods replied, “My body is a temple. It’s important to respect it by avoiding harmful products.” She then whipped out a Whole Foods gift card, used it to cut voluptuous lines of the finest Colombian cocaine, and snorted so powerfully it sounded like an AMBER Alert.

Looking for the shortest possible commute? Carlton Arms, a little-known dorm sitting neatly between Hartley and Wallach, is beloved by Columbia students for its convenient location! Do note that looking up “Carlton Arms” on Google Maps will take you to another apartment building of the same name half a mile away from campus.

When Jerry and Kramer switch rooms, it causes a whole bunch of trouble for the gang! But this trouble still isn’t anywhere close to the lifelike robots that rebel against their creators in Westworld!

Resident Girl in Red fan reports, “At first I thought my gaydar might be off and she was actually just straight, but then I saw her Chai Iced Latte. I mean, no straight woman EVER orders a Chai Iced Latte.”

“Was I hoping to be president? Sure. But as anyone who knows me can attest, I’ve always said, ‘If I can’t be president, then I’d want to be a dead ghost roaming the Hogwarts bathroom.’”