Photo Credit: Natalie Arenzon
BUMMER CITY – Following the tragic announcement that every member of Columbia’s ultimate frisbee team passed away earlier this week due to complications involving “tons of pussy,” students paid their respects last night in a campus-wide candlelight vigil.
The rampage was among the school’s deadliest such tragedies, second only to a 2009 incident in which 31 male a-cappella singers were trampled to death by a stampede of naked women.
Many expressed hope that the incident will lead to reforms. “The football team have helmets. The squash team has lawyers. Where’s the protection for our frisbee players?” said campus frisbee advocate Darryl Collins SEAS ‘18. “How many bros do we have to lose before the administration takes action?”
Others suggest the massacre is par for the course in a sport like ultimate. “I’m heartbroken to hear about what happened, but honestly it’s unsurprising,” said Derek Goldberg CC ‘20. “When you play a sport like ultimate frisbee you need to understand the risks: killer calf definition and the prospect of being smothered to death by vaginas.”
Due to the graphic nature of the event, law enforcement have experienced difficulty identifying corpses. Police have attempted to use the backgrounds of the victims’ Apple Watches to establish a list of deceased. At press time, several perfect, exquisite male bodies remain unidentified.
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