Interim President Armstrong revealed in a press release this morning that Columbia University has acquired the territory of Greenland in a move that has shocked many in the international community. Armstrong cited a need for the growing University community to expand: “I mean, at this point, we’ve pretty much run out of land to take over. Why stop at being the largest landowners in New York City? Besides, property values in Manhattan are insane. Greenland’s offer was well within our budget.”
The White House, which had previously been interested in acquiring the world’s largest island, expressed dismay that Armstrong had beaten Trump to the purchase. Some in the media have suggested that Greenland saw Columbia as a preferable buyer to Trump. “I mean, at least Armstrong won’t rename Greenland,” one analyst surmised. “Trump would probably have tried to make it Redwhiteandblueland, or God knows what.”
On the ground, many in Greenland worry about what the purchase might mean for them. There are reports of preschools across Greenland being shut down and evicted in the wake of the purchase, but these are as of yet unconfirmed. Reactions are also mixed among the Columbia student body. Although many are thrilled at the prospect of a new Arctic campus, others were disappointed by Armstrong’s priorities. As one John Jay resident put it: “It just seems strange that Columbia can buy out a sovereign nation before they can fix the hot water in the dorms.” Perplexing indeed.
