To the girl who sits in front of me in my Intro to Art History lecture,
I am so grateful that you still think that if the brightness on your laptop is at the lowest setting, nobody behind you can see your texts. But boy, can I see them, and boy, am I the luckiest girl in the world. When I sit down in my seat each Monday and Wednesday at 10:10 AM, I eagerly wait to experience the enchantment I feel when you open your computer and move your mouse towards that neon green icon.
This unique parasocial relationship that I’ve formed with you saves me from boredom in a way that I will never have the means to repay you for. Your unshakable quality of unshakeable irritation and constantly unstable life echoes through the lecture hall and fills the weariness in my soul. Oh, higher education system, thank you for boring this girl enough to text constantly. Oh, digital age, thank you for normalizing oversharing over text. Oh, spirits above, thank you for this gift!
On another note, I’m sorry your parents are getting a divorce. I’m also sorry your boyfriend told you he didn’t like your new haircut, which makes the back of your head look great. He’s been super deadbeat recently, and it seems like you deserve more than someone trying to quit your relationship of two years. Maybe it would help if you stopped cheating on him. I feel like he knows. I also think you should go to the doctor about that rash you were telling your mom about. It seems pretty serious.
I owe you so much. Thank you for everything you do for me. You don’t know me, but I sure do know you. And I sure do know that you’re gonna do great things one day. I am so proud of you.
Sincerely,
The girl who sits behind you and has not learned a single thing about Art History the entire semester
