Every student to pass through these hallowed halls must come to the same realization: not that they’ve made the wrong choice to come to Columbia, nor that majoring in Poly Sci is for losers, but that the Lerner Ramps are fucking stupid. But, I bet you’ve never thought about how the Lerner Ramps are actually perfect for living out your wintery dreams of sledding down a snowy hill with all of your closest friends, have you? President Armstrong announced in a press conference on Wednesday that the Lerner Ramps will be transformed into “a giant winter wonderland toboggan slide” in order “to strengthen our community” and “to make up for the fact that climate change promises NYC will never get snow again.” Armstrong went on to describe the winter blues faced by Columbia students amidst finals season, adding that this will hopefully bring “some much needed cheer to these depressed nerds—seriously guys, perk up!” She then clarified that GS and Barnard students are strictly prohibited as they may “sour the jolly festivities.”
Meanwhile, Dean Josef Sorrett was spotted zooming down the ramp himself, arms high in the air, gleefully shouting “Weeee!!” as he whizzed past students clutching Buffalo Chicken Wraps and Boba teas, leaving onlookers wondering if maybe, just maybe, Columbia is finally getting the hang of fun.
