Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced In effort to reduce collisions between students looking down at their phones! “Look, we’ve tried everything – but at the end of the day, these kids just don’t fucking walk. So we thought, ‘eh, why make them? Let them eat cake – give ‘em ziplines!’” an anonymous campus administrator griped to The Fed. In order to participate in this revolutionary campus measure, students will need to swipe their CUIDs to get on a zipline and wear a Pantone 292 safety helmet, per Columbia restrictions. Early reports have shown that the measure has made waves across campus: 26% of students have revealed a newfound fear of heights, and a 12% increase in the use of whimsical phrases like “wahoo!!” and “yippee!” heard around campus – especially at Barnard, where the carabiner community has been thrilled.
Unfortunately, it hasn’t been all fun and games on this new transportation method. There have been mass collisions of students on their phones on the ziplines, and several professors have gotten stuck in the middle of a zipline. While these ziplines may seem like a great way of reducing campus foot traffic, Columbia Health has seen several students with concussions from being kicked from a low-hanging zipline, and student feedback has been mixed: “I don’t know, I was pretty drawn to the whole ‘the city is our campus’ thing. Now it’s more like our campus is a ropes course at a suburban zoo. Which is cool, I guess, but my mom won’t let me do it,” Charlie Cable, SEAS ‘27, told The Fed. Most worryingly, the small but mighty campus collective of slackliners has begun warring with the zipliners for dominance of dorky line-based activities. The good news is, if they start brawling, you’ll be there to see it in a zip!
