Cuffing season worked, and now you have a girlfriend for the holidays. It would be wonderful, the only problem is she wants you to meet her family… at Thanksgiving… in the Midwest. I mean, you love her (you didn’t even let the situationship last longer than two months), you just don’t know if you love her enough to go to North Dakota.
You’re not trying to be elitist (I mean, you never even bring up your elite university, you just say you go to college in New York), you just don’t know if it’s really your scene. Your mullet won’t even read as ironic there. People won’t think of Lana Del Rey and Ethel Cain when you smoke Marlboro Reds. Embrace it. You’re just as much of a walking red flag there.
- Look the part: bring your camo. I know you have some, just don’t bring the Harris-Walz hat. Wear your boots and beat-up Carhartt Levi’s—fingers crossed they won’t be able to tell you paid $80 to buy them “pre-distressed.”
- Adopt the attitude. Make sure you say hello and goodbye to everyone, and remember the names of all their grandkids. You can even throw in an “Ope, let me just scootch right by ya” in the kitchen for good measure. You should also never show up empty-handed, but it’s best not to show up with any casserole or potato salad until you’re more experienced with Midwestern cuisine. Honestly, just buy a pie, or flowers, or both. There’s no such thing as too much in the Midwest, except when it comes to spices.
- Do not expect to be able to abide by any sort of dietary restrictions. There will be cheese and carbs and meat in every dish–especially in the vegetables. Most, if not all, of the salads will have some form of gelatin or cream involved. There will be too much food to eat, and they will take offense if you turn it down. They’d never say that to your face, though—they’re Midwestern.
- Make sure you offer to clean up after dinner. If you’re a woman, it’ll be expected. If you’re a man, they’ll be shocked at your decency (pro tip: this is also a great way to hide if you know nothing about football!). If you’re nonbinary, you’ll probably be misgendered or asked at least one inappropriate question at some point in the evening, but they’ll appreciate the help in the kitchen nonetheless.
There will come a time in the evening when you’ll have to retire, either when you leave in anger after that one uncle said something everyone’s been dreading all night or after the inevitable exhaustion of hours of socializing solely through passive-aggressive positivity. Once you leave, the aunts will gather over wine to gossip about you behind your back. They’ll never say anything negative per se, but let’s hope you pass the test!
