In the days of Katrina Armstrong, Interim President of Columbia, an angel of the Lord appeared to Mary in an email, and spoke to her, announcing :
“Dear advisees,
I hope your semester is going well. I’m writing to remind you that registration for the Spring 2025 term is fast approaching.”
Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel spoke to her, and said, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with SSOL. You will register at 8:30 AM on the day of your registration.”
When Joseph had learned of this, he shamefully planned to change his schedule quietly, as he had a 2:30 PM registration and believed he could not make it into any of his preferred classes anymore. The angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph son of David, that is a bummer. You have no shot of getting into a PE class now.”
And so when the day arrived that classes were to be registered, Joseph watched Mary log into SSOL and begin to register. But the husband was troubled, for his wife had no classes prepared in her little wishlist thing. Mary said to him, “Worry not, husband. I have it all in Vergil.” Joseph replied, “You have to export those. Vergil isn’t anything in terms of registering. You have to have it on SSOL. Do you remember the call numbers of the classes?” Mary said, “uh…um, no.” “Let me do it,” replied Joseph.
After the two had confirmed their log-in on Duo three times, Mary attempted to register for the classes that were interesting to her and relevant to her major. She tried to register for Ethical Issues in Museums, but the system told her that there was no room. Again, she tried to register for Sociology of Education, but the system told her that there was no room. A third time, Mary tried to register for one of Brian Greene’s classes, but the system laughed at her and told her the course was blocked, and she needed the heavenly intervention of instructor permission. .
As Mary grew wearisome, an angel of the Lord appeared to her, and showed her to a small classroom in Hamilton filled with farm animals and a manger. “What the hell is all of this?” asked Mary. The angel replied, “This shall be among your classes next semester. The Lord has heard your cries, and understands that your manger is the most important factor in your registration.” Mary said to the angel, “What? No. Major. Jesus Christ.” The angel replied, “ohhhh gotcha. Oopsies. That’s on me.”
And so Mary and Joseph spent the spring studying Ancient Greek and Actuarial Science and whatever bullshit classes that took them from the waitlist. Neither of them ever completed their PE requirement.
