In a brave and controversial stand, one courageous student has spoken out against the devastating impacts of student protests. “These protests are ruining my classic college experience,” writes John Blutarsky, a sophomore at the prestigious Protest University.
In an unprecedented op-ed for the Sundial, Blutarsky eloquently voiced his distaste for all the campus fuss-makers. “These privileged students throw the biggest fit about something that I haven’t even heard of. That’s never been what Protest U is about—not when my father went here, or his father, or his father before him.” While Protest University is historically among the most politically involved campuses in America, the recent disruptions have really irked Blutarsky, who wants the college to come together and focus on what’s important. “I’m here for the right reasons: to drink a comically large amount of alcohol, to hit on babes, and to cheer on the Demonstrators every Saturday on the football field. You know, Van Wilder shit.”
“I remember the day I found out I got into PU. I was in the eighth grade, and my dad was explaining legacy admissions to me. That’s when I knew that Protest University would provide me with the best days of my life, spent throwing frisbees on the quad, smoking weed before a lecture, and scheming elaborate pranks against Sit-In State. But neither the dorks here nor the goobers at SISU have any interest in hatching hijinx or punking the dean. They all want me to think critically about pressing issues. Pass.”
This heroic stance was made in succession with a dozen nearly identical op-eds, all published in a single issue of the Sundial. What a captivating read.
