Columbia University Facilities announced this morning that the Butler Library stacks will be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in order to facilitate the production of more legacy students. The stacks have traditionally closed around 2 AM to force students to touch grass, but when Columbia administrators caught word of how much procreative activity went down in them, they felt that keeping them open could lead to some late-night double legacy student making.
“We ideally want to admit exclusively legacy students, but these nerds don’t have enough game to make them,” commented Captain Bayonne, that guy in a superhero costume who kickflips water bottles and also actually works in admissions. “And there isn’t enough inbreeding for double legacies! Too many of them are dating students from Cornell, or worse, NYU.”
This announcement follows a series of similar new initiatives guided by the same goal, such as converting part of the John Jay-Wallach-Hartley tunnels into dedicated sexiling rooms and adding Archive of Our Own submissions to the LitHum syllabus.
