PSA TO CURRENT COLUMBIA STUDENTS:
As tensions on campus heighten and the administration furthers their crackdown on student groups, guests on campus, and security protocols, it’s essential that you, as a student, are aware of your civil liberties: including that it is your right as a student to rip crazy ass in Butler Library.
THERE ARE NO ACTUAL RULES ON THIS!
While certain rooms in Butler have policies that limit conversation (think the quiet reading rooms), NO POLICY forbids you from roasting vicious beef whenever you feel inclined (or compelled). You alone have the right to choose when, where, and how loud you blow your trumpet. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misguided at best; at worst, they may be actively infringing on your civil liberties. We suggest getting any and all of these incidents on video for your own protection.
Here’s an example of a possible interchange between a freedom-loving student and a totalitarian authority:
STUDENT: (flatulates)
LIBRARY WORKER: Sir, please stop, or we will have to ask you to leave.
What should you do in this situation? Here’s the Fed’s guide to navigating this encounter.
OPTION 1
STUDENT: You don’t know anything, actually, and it’s illegal for you to say that to me. What’s your badge number?
This response clearly indicates that the student is an informed citizen and warns the library worker that this individual knows their rights.
OPTION 2
STUDENT: That was not me. You cannot prove that it was me. I will not talk without my lawyer.
Reminder: You are innocent until proven guilty. Forensic science is very flaky on fart-tracing technology, so you can almost always plausibly claim that you never baked any brownies whatsoever.
OPTION 3
STUDENT: Whoever smelt it dealt it.
This should be used only as a last resort, as it opens you to a series of counterclaims that could complicate the encounter and potentially implicate you in the deed. Be extremely cautious when employing this method.
There will be individuals working to stifle your rights and to silence your toots. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to educate yourself on your rights and to protect this sacred privilege. Good luck out there, patriot.
