In a stunning recent report, the American Psychiatric Association announced that the diagnosis of “Sidechat User” would be added to the next update of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the most widely used handbook of mental disorders by healthcare professionals in the United States.
“Yeah, these little freaks have serious issues,” one scientist remarked. “The number of new cases is astounding.” Characterized by a constant need for attention, an evident disconnect from reality, a compulsion to ask, “Is Barnard part of Columbia?”, and habit of starting internet beef for no reason, the symptoms are indeed dire.
While this disorder seems severe, there’s still hope. “While no outright cure exists yet, preliminary studies show that exposure to sunlight and physical contact with grass can relieve the worst symptoms, though it is unable to fully reverse the effects of Sidechat-induced brain rot. These therapeutic interventions also cannot give you back all the time spent on the app,” said another researcher. If you know someone that suffers from “Sidechat User”, they may benefit from these experimental treatments!
