A scandal rocked the ninth floor of Wallach Hall this week, as a group of 5 first year students got caught sneaking into the dorm showers to compare their ACT scores.
“Their bathroom was due for maintenance, so I headed up there to give it a routine cleaning,” an anonymous facilities worker said, “and I see these five nerds in there talking about their STEM composites and AP awards. I didn’t ever wanna see that. It was disgusting.”
The employee filed a formal complaint, which was released exclusively to the Fed. In the report, the unfortunate maintenance worker divulged further details, such as claims made by the delinquents that a “32 is actually well above average,” and that “colleges don’t care about AP scores as much as how you use them.” One student apparently predicted the score of another student, purportedly saying, “I always said you had 36 energy. I knew it.” Luckily, the facilities worker intervened before the students could whip out their superscores. Thank God.
The Federalist unequivocally condemns this high school-ass behavior, and sends its formal regrets to Wallach 9 and all others impacted by this scandal.
