A new craze is sweeping America’s campuses, concerning both parents and upperclassmen alike: apparently these freshmen never learned how to fucking walk.
The phenomenon has been something of a spectacle on Columbia’s campus, as noted by current senior Carrie Han: “Holy shit dude, what planet are these kids from? Stay to the right and move your feet. Jesus.” Han first noticed the trend on move-in day, when “these 14-year-olds set up a barricade around the gates, just gabbing and dapping up and sauntering all about.” She continued, “You can do that for four years. Get to where you’re going.”
This has been a perplexing and frustrating situation for many. Reports flooded the Federalist office of literal children shutting down the first floor stairs in Lerner, forcing upperclassmen to walk all the way around the stupid ramp. “It’s humiliating. Is it a TikTok thing or something?” said a grad student who wished to remain anonymous, particularly out of fear of being bullied by the youth.
If you’re concerned about this dangerous trend impacting the people you care about, there are steps you can take to protect your loved ones. First, remind everyone around you to stay on the right side and to get a goddamn move on. Second, warn those around you about the dangers of walking in those big, annoying people-walls. If they ignore you, you must become the danger. It’s your responsibility to the university community.
