The Hudson River: home to fish, party cruises, sewage, chemical contamination, and, now, the Columbia College swim test.
In a recent change by Columbia administrators, students graduating in 2028 and later will be required to swim the length of the Hudson River to receive their diplomas. This unexpected change was announced in a new email update from Interim President Katrina Armstrong: “In ongoing efforts to unite the Columbia campus, we hope this adjustment will encourage students to bond together over even deeper confusion and annoyance regarding this historic Columbia College tradition.”
Faced with backlash over the total lack of cleanliness of the Hudson, Armstrong dismissed any further complaints by demonstrating her trust in the river’s sanitation. Armstrong dove into the river this past Saturday morning, à la Paris’ Mayor before the 2024 Summer Olympics.
As Armstrong resurfaced and climbed back onto land, her skin emitted a slight green glow. She refused to answer questions about this new look, insisting that she’s “never felt better,” and the grime now coating her skin is “great for exfoliation!”
Most importantly, her dive also represented the historic moment of being the first New Yorker to willingly enter the Hudson River. This weekend proved Columbia has been left in capable hands, as she’s willing to take “one giant leap for mankind” just like her late father, Neil.
