In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID.
“So there’s this guy at the front, sitting at a little desk in front of the gates, and he welcomes me and is super warm and friendly,” the student explained. “And that’s when I noticed his halo… and then the scanner.”
According to the student, the scanner appeared just like those adopted by Columbia University throughout the last academic year, when only CUID-holding individuals were allowed on campus. Apparently, this policy has expanded to the Heavenly campus above.
“I was shocked. Sometimes I forget my CUID in my dorm so I knew getting in was probably impossible if I managed to forget it again,” the student continued. “A line started building up behind me too. Honestly, the whole experience was much more stressful than what I thought Heaven was gonna be like.”
The student explained he frantically searched his pockets until he was sure he must’ve left his CUID at home. “Unfortunately the guy—he said his name was Peter or something— at the front just gave me a solemn look and insisted I come back with my ID. My vision got all fuzzy, and I woke up here.”
“So that’s why I’m back. Just had to grab my ID.”
The student then grabbed his wallet and vanished into a gleaming mist.
