Come here child, what did you bring me? Oh, some delicious apples, how lovely. You’re so nice to your grandma, sweetheart. I’m so lucky to eat you—I mean have you.
What big ears I have? Okay, kinda rude, Little Red. Didn’t your mom ever tell you not to talk that way to your elders? Also, I’m like 90 years old and going deaf in the left ear so that’s kind of insensitive to say. Like, way to rub it in kid. Just come over here and give Granny an apple. I need to bite something and you’re not close enough—I mean, the fridge isn’t close enough.
What big eyes I have? Well, thank you for that one, actually. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but a few people have called them captivating. And you know what’s the kicker? I don’t even need glasses. I know, it’s crazy. I was just blessed with this 20/20 vision. It’s why I’m such a good hunter—I mean, gatherer.
What large hands I have? Oh you little shit. Just when I was warming up to you, you gotta go back on your compliments and start this up again. You’re lucky I’m a bedridden bitch and can’t jump at your throat right this instant. Oh, wait. I can! I’m a wolf in my prime. Actually, Little Red, scratch that last sentence from the record. You didn’t hear anything. Now, come closer to Granny. I’m getting mighty hungry, my dear. What a big mouth I have? Excuse me, what a big mouth I have? You’ve been back-talking to your own grandmother for the past five minutes and I have a big mouth? Lord, child, someone needs to get some sense into you. You’re old enough to go through the woods alone, you’re old enough to know you can’t just say this shit. Oh whatever, why am I trying to teach you anyway, I’m just gonna eat you now. You better not taste as bad as your attitude.
