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Dear Freshmen: Instead of the Promoter at Palace, Call These People on Friday Night Instead 

by
  1. Your mother 
  2. Your father 
  3. Your grandparents 
  4. Your great aunt 
  5. Your cousin who just moved to the ‘Big City’ (Boston)
  6. Your second grade babysitter
  7. The religious leaders in your hometown 
  8. Experian (it’s never too early to clean up your credit score)
  9. Mr. Hooda of Hooda Halal 
  10. The Book Culture on 114th and Broadway (apologize for calling to ask if your Intro to Economic Reasoning textbook is there)
  11. Whoever is behind those horny JJs playlists 
  12. The Container Store (I heard they just got roller carts back in stock)