LATEST ISSUE, The Columbia Federalist

Shocking! Due to Funding Cuts, All Columbia Majors Equally Unemployable

A new study from Reuters finds, in a shocking reversal of conventional major wisdom, all undergraduate students from…

Ask Fed: Can I Go on Spring Break Without Being a Gentrifier?

Dear Fed, All my friends are going to Punta Cana for Spring Break this year, and I’m supposed…

Op-Ed: College Students Cannot Solve Unsolvable Equations on Big Chalkboards Like They Used To

My father graduated from Columbia College in 1951. When he would reflect on his time in Morningside Heights,…

JJ’s Institutes Severance Procedure

Following the success of the Apple TV drama Severance, JJ’s has instituted the severance procedure for all its…

CUID to Include Binary Gender markers: (S)tudent/(F)emale Student

In January, President Trump’s executive order “Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the…

Legacy Students at Columbia Given Preferential Admission

In recent campus news, Columbia representatives announced that legacy admission students would now be given a leg up…

Columbia Housing Portal Crashes, Lottery Numbers To Be Reassigned

BREAKING—According to a new email from CUIT, Columbia Housing’s internal electronic database experienced a complete blackout late last…

Amid Political Pressure, Barnard to Admit Men Starting 2027

After weeks of public pressure from conservatives in Washington, Barnard has announced revisions to its admissions policies that…

The Lion Dance Controversy, Explained

An unlikely campus group was thrust into the center of cultural tensions last week, as Columbia University Lion…

Reduction of Diana Bowl Portion Sizes Sparks Uproar From Dining Workers: “Watching Students Struggle to Put Toppings on Their Bean Mountains is the Best Part of the Job”

Due to Barnard’s recently publicized debt troubles, administrators have been searching for any easy cost-cutting measures to take…

Columbia to Develop Montessori-Inspired Curriculum

After facing backlash for allegedly producing graduates who “lack the ability to read,” Columbia University has decided to…

Nonchalant is out. Chalant is in.

Recently, there has been an uptick of students who try so, so hard to be nonchalant in their…

Columbia Announces New Mexican Dining Hall: Señor Juan Jota’s

Dear Columbia Students, We’ve heard your complaints. Despite our new locations this year, there is still one major…

Breaking: Barnard’s Cause of $250 Debt Revealed By Rosenbury’s MASSIVE SHEIN HAUL

Following months of budget cuts and protests against a controversial college President, it was revealed that the College’s…

TikToker Nara Smith Mistakenly Creates Mustard Gas from Scratch in Attempt to make Slime “No Glue No Borax”

Trad-wife, Mormon TikToker Nara Smith, aiming to create slime without using glue or borax, accidentally whipped up a…

Columbia Announces New Nineteen-Acre Parking Lot in West Harlem

The Office of the President announced on Friday that the next step of the Manhattanville campus expansion will…

REPORT: BigSki in Cahoots With BigKneeDoctor, Leaked Memos Reveal

ASPEN, CO—A shocking new report from the Department of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes has exposed an undercover…

Armstrong Steps Down

NEW YORK, NY—Interim President Katrina Armstrong of Columbia University announced today that she is stepping down from her…

Rosenbury Finds Misplaced $252 Million Dollars Behind Couch

“Lmao, my bad y’all,” Announces Barnard President Reporting that she “felt really bad about this,” and that “it’s…

Drake to Headline Bacchanal as Part of “Redemption Tour”

Every year, Bacchanal selects a mid rap artist that no one has ever heard of to headline. Until…

Bold, Beautiful, Entry Ban: Barnard to Prohibit Columbia Students From Entering Its Campus for 229 Years

To reinforce its mission of empowering young women, Barnard College announced that it will begin barring campus entry…

A Glass Box To Be Built Around Alma Mater Statue, “To Protect Our Legacy”

After over a year of protests, some of which targeted the famous Alma Mater statue which stands at…

Shane Dawson to Release ‘Docuseries’ Redeeming Barnard’s Laura Rosenbury

After recent backlash due to the arrest and expulsion of multiple students alongside the forwarding of an unsuccessful…

In These Trying Times, Columbia Faculty Can Learn a Lot from Our Students

Dear Columbia Community, It’s no secret that the current state of our campus—and our country—can seem intimidating, disheartening,…

Dining Dollars to be renamed to “Cafe East Dollars”

This morning, President Armstrong announced that the infamous campus currency Dining Dollars has been renamed “Cafe East Dollars,”…

DEVASTATING: Why is Nobody Else Here Excited About April Foos Day (International Foosball Day)?

Each year of my life, I’ve looked forward to the beginning of April like a kid looks forward…

Help!: I Stuck My Hand Into The Tent To Scan In, and Someone Licked It

I was running late to class, and I needed to get to Hamilton as quickly as possible. I…

Abby Lee Miller Joins Barnard Dance Department Faculty

Barnard College’s renowned Dance department recently announced that industry legend and former Dance Moms star Abby Lee Miller…

Study Finds 93% of Creative Writing Majors Just Writing About Their Lives

The Columbia English department recently published a study on the usage of personal anecdotes in creative writing “fiction”…

Elon Musk Ignores ‘Name 5 Things Your Kids Did’ Email

Last Saturday, senior advisor Elon Musk stepped into work after a long night of playing video games, tending…

Adams Pleads “I Know You Are But What Am I” in District Court

In a stunning development that some are calling a “constitutional crisis,” Mayor Eric Adams has recently entered a…

ABC To Remove Funding From All Student Groups

In a surprising and controversial move, the Activities Board at Columbia (ABC) has announced that they will be…

Oh No! Fed Article Pitch Clearly Just Traumadumping

Stunned sources at the latest Columbia Federalist meeting reported that the most recent pitch for the upcoming issue…

Cuomo to Adams: There’s a New (Alleged) Criminal Mayor in Town

An Official Statement from The Office of Cuomo For Mayor Ciao New York! It’s your favorite overly handsy…

Hartley Under Construction; Columbia To Revoke Guaranteed Housing for Rising Seniors, EC To Become Sophomore Dorm

In the midst of Columbia’s room selection process, campus has been buzzing over new, controversial rulings by the…

Hooda Halal Now Accepting Dining Swipes

Columbia Dining recently announced a new initiative to take pressure off of campus dining halls during peak hours—Hooda…

But if I Could Win a Toothbrush Tussle

toothbrush tussle: NOUN, a battle between two people at a communal bathroom sink over who can brush for…

An Update on the Moment of Our Community

Dear members of the Columbia Community, Throughout the course of this academic year, the challenges we face are…

Unpacking the SHOCKING TRUTH of the Fed’s E-Board Nepo Babies

Have you been enjoying The Fed’s content this year? Love the creative direction? Well, I hate to break…

From the Issue: