After her recent appointment to Columbia, President Shafik was quick to announce her first campaign: Make Columbia British Again. After immediately renaming the school King’s College, of course, here are her proposed next steps:
- Require all dorm security guards to perform a “changing of the guard” routine every time the clock strikes the new hour, with the addition of the tall hats.
- Replace the basketball gym with a penny farthing bicycle racetrack.
- Change the name of ‘Chef Mike’s Sub’ Shop to ‘Ye Olde Shoppe Under the Possession of the Right Honorable Lord Michael, Earl of Sandwich.’
- Replace fusion food stations with the best international food there is: British food. Fish and chips every day, with the occasional shepherd’s pie. Beans on toast daily, baby!
- Block off the hours of 3:00 PM to 5:00 PM each day for “teatime,” so no classes can occur that might interfere with students’ daily tea and crumpets.
- Provide extra credit for usage of the phrases: “cheeky,” “Bob’s your uncle,” and “cuppa” in essays for Core classes. Also make The Crown required LitHum viewing.
- Rename the men’s and women’s soccer teams “footy for blokes” and “footy for birds.”
- Clarify the Barnard-Columbia relationship by announcing Barnard’s status as a “Commonwealth college.”
- Add a House of Lords to the student council just made up of legacy kids.
- Announce that next year Bacchanal will be a full-length performance of Shakespeare’s Richard II.
- Put Boris Johnson on Butler. Not his name—just have him live up there.
- Place bags over the Jefferson and Hamilton statues’ heads with “TRAITOROUS SCUM” written on them.
